Where do we go from here...?

Whew! That was tough. I haven't written on a theme in quite a while. Wind, Earth, Water, and Fire. Well rounded individual indeed! Now that it is over, on with day-to-day life.

Really, I have been hurt. My wife, who I fell in love with 15 years ago, and who in turn fell in love with me, has walked out of my life. Well, not entirely. We have two children that we will raise together, so she will always be in my life.

This hurt of mine is not entirely her fault. I had to have done something to make her hurt as well. I did. Even though at the time, what I was doing was unknown to me, I did it just the same. I didn't think I was ignoring her. I didn't know that she felt unloved. I did, do, and always will love her. She was my first and only love to date. The only woman that I gave my all to. The mother of my children.

I'm going to go ahead and give up a little secret here. To this day, my nickname is Dog (that's not the real secret...read on to find out what it really is). Funny how this came to be. Back in college, my friends (horn dogs that they were) were quite the studs. Women came and women went. They called themselves the "Wolf Pack". I was the fly on the wall at parties. I was the one who all the girls talked to, but never showed an interest in. I was the best "friend" a girl could have, but never the boyfriend or lover. The guys in the Wolf Pack called me a pup, and since I wasn't a Wolf, I was just a dog. So, when I met my future wife at a ripe old age of 24, I was still a...ahem...virgin (secret revealed!). I am proud of this fact now, but not so then. She had already had several partners, and I barely knew how the pipes worked...ha, ha, ha...not really, but close. Even though I got married, had 2 children (so I had sex at least twice!), they still call me Dog.

I put all my attention, dedication, and future in this one woman. After a few years of dating, we got married. It was wonderful. I had finally found a mate for my soul. Me, who never thought that I would fall in love (although dreamed about all my life)...no, I take that back. I never thought anyone would fall in love with me. I knew I could fall in love. It was just the reciprocating love that I felt would hit some sort of barrier and never fall in my lap. But fall it did.

After the honeymoon and 5 years of playing around and doing what we wanted to do, we decided that we were ready for children. So along came our daughter. I remember being so scared in that operating room, for trouble during birth led us to a C-section. I remember looking into my wife's eyes and holding her cold hand. Why was that room so cold? She told me that she could barely stay awake and I was scared. Scared for her and for my daughter. You know, in the movies, when the child is born, there is this crying that starts to let you know that the child is born, out of the womb, and into this earth to begin the dying process. There was no crying. I was scared. My daughter was limp and blue. The worst thoughts came to my mind as I waited and watched them work on her. After what seemed like minutes, I heard the weakest, most frail little cry I had ever heard in my life. As pitiful as it sounded, I knew that she was going to be okay...and she was. She even came to our room on schedule. No stay in intensive care for her. It was just a slow start, that's all.

Jump ahead 4 years. Once again we found ourselves in an operating room, good ole C-section time again. This time, our son was about to learn how to breathe oxygen for the first time. I was a little scared, not like before, but fear was there, standing behind me, ready to tap me on the shoulder. I was more scared for my wife this time. I could see the machines that were monitoring her blood pressure and I noticed that the numbers were dropping. I'm not a nurse or doctor, but I could feel a correlation between the dropping numbers and the look coming from my wife's face. She was cold, and could barely keep her eyes open. I might have been just too scared, but I thought that I might lose her if these professionals didn't make sure that things went proper. But my fears were allayed when the person monitoring the monitors adjusted something on the machine and I saw and felt the improvement. Then came the cry from behind the curtain. Our son was here and he was awake and crying. He was just fine. Balls to the wall from the get-go.

A mere 4 years after that, I find myself where I am right now. A mixture of emotions. My mind wanting one thing and my body wanting another. The body is strong, but so is the mind that battles it. I love my children with all of my heart, but sometimes, just sometimes I long for my alone time. I love being with people, as friends or more, but sometimes I want to sit in my garage and think all alone. Think about the past, the present, and the future. I have a plaque on the wall over one of the doors of my house. It reads, "Cherish yesterday, dream tomorrow, live today". I truly take that to heart. There is something about the past that is endearing to me. A sort of nostalgic memory of what used to be, what brought me to here. The present...Here is where I am today...Tomorrow is hope for what is to be. Hold on to what you had, hope for better in the future, and enjoy what you have today. Such a mantra that it is. I believe in it, I love it, I want to live it.

Tomorrow's hope has to be something that you want to happen. It has to envelop your dreams, wishes, wants, desires, and your standards. My life has been all about what I had. Right now it is about what I don't have in this time. Soon it will be about what it will be. Slow start or balls to the wall. My daughter and her slow start...she is just fine today. My son and his strong will to emerge into this world...he's, well...he's fine too. Just a little bit out of control now and then.

Wow. I hope that the days get brighter. As I heard in a song from a sad, dark movie about loss of love, death, and spiritual revenge..."It can't rain all the time..."