Man spends his life in reasoning on the past, in complaining of the present, in fearing future. ~Antoine Rivarol
I probably shouldn't be writing in bed like this, lying on my stomach, propped up on pillows, tablet against the headboard. It probably isn't the best position for an aching back, for sure. I probably shouldn't be writing at midnight, with the tumbling dryer just outside my bedroom door providing enough white noise with an occasional squeak to lure me to dream while the loud ticking of the wind-up alarm clock on the nightstand provides a tick-by-tock reminder of how many hours until I have until cock's crow. I can't hear any crowing of nearby roosters from my bed, but there's an app for that. There's a rooster crowing in my tablet every morning. And this one has a snooze button.
I probably shouldn't be writing, but here I am. It really doesn't matter that it is this late. I don't have to make the rooster snooze in the morning. I'm pretty sure that the kids, mainly my son, will do enough crowing in the morning. And that crowing has no snooze button.
No, I probably shouldn't be writing, but tomorrow's Christmas, my son turned off all the lights and the television at 8:15, saying that he had been tired all day. I think he's trying to pull the old time-travel trick of making the next day come quicker by going to sleep earlier. "Daaaaaad!" is what I got when I jokingly called him out on it. There aren't a lot of presents under the tree, but there is one that I know he can't wait to open. Since he caused an early blackout at this house, I decided to write and watch movies in bed. THAT didn't happen. Falling asleep and waking up at dumb hours did.
It's now almost 4:00am and is that thunder I hear? It sure is...
I probably shouldn't be complaining about anything, especially the weather, which isn't, never has, and never will be under my control. I am under a roof and a lot of people aren't. I shouldn't be complaining about being up at this odd hour, but here I am, wanting to finish this and wanting to go back to sleep at the same time. I shouldn't complain about there being only six gifts under the tree for my kids when so many kids have none. I probably shouldn't be complaining about a simple life when simplicity is all I want...
"I left (my husband) today."
"I'm living at my brother's, divorce is imminent. She's crazy."
"My best friend lost her son tonight."
"We're getting divorced and I'm looking for a place to stay."
"Yeah, we're splitting up too."
I've heard all of this within the past week or so. Sometimes what you've already been through is what someone is going through right now. I am not saying that because I've experienced some of these things in the past that I'm the one you should talk to about it with, but I can lend an ear and give my take on it. This is my first Christmas without my grandmother being there to answer the phone when I call in the morning. And I'm sure lots of you have experience with that.
I will not complain about the past by trying to reason with it. It was what it was. I will try to not complain about the present being what it is, because, well, it is what it is. And I won't complain about the future by fearing it. It will be what it will be.
No; no complaints today. Not even when I see the underlying disappointment hidden under excitement in my kids' eyes as they open their few gifts. I see pictures of gifts piled high and with a pang of jealousy, I quickly ask for grace and gratitude for how much I am blessed. I don't go around throwing that word up in the air or in your face. People use "blessed" for anything from "My cat finally pooped in her box today. I'm so blessed" to "My abusive boyfriend only broke my arm in three places. He could have put me in a coma. I'm so blessed."
No, I'm blessed to have the love of friends and family. I'm blessed to work where I'm actually happy to go in every day. I'm blessed by those two sleeping just down the hall from this insomniac's bed. I'm blessed by just life, ya know?
I'm gonna cut this short. I know I'll be woken in just a few hours. That's OK. I'm also blessed with some pretty strong coffee.
Merry Christmas to you, all my love to all my loves.
