The Night Before

The kids are asleep, awaiting the magic of Santa's magical visitation. The blueberry and strawberry muffins, along with cookies and a glass of milk are set out for his midnight snack. Of course, me being the non-magical adult human, have already put the presents under the tree, filled the stockings with treats, and will soon enjoy the goodies laid out for the jolly elf. The kids are eager for the morning to arrive. I think I am too.

We spent the evening with some friends, drinking wine, playing pool, and just hanging out. Before that, we drove around looking at the Christmas lights and decorations that some have adorned their houses and lawns with. Some were tasteful, some tacky, but all were...shall we say...bright. The "oohs" and "ahhs" came not only from the rear of the van where the children sat, but also from the front of the van whence sat the adults. Who couldn't enjoy such sights?

I sit here now, a bottle of Yuengling Traditional Lager in front of me. Snowflake, my furry feline, is laying on the computer desk, batting at my typing fingers as I try to avoid her snagging claws. I suppose that Christmas is going to come whether I'm ready or not. I haven't been in a festive mood lately. This will be the first year that my family is separated for Christmas. It's not like one of us has gone to visit family or on vacation. Linda and I are both still in town, but emotionally, we are miles apart. The kids already opened presents at their mommy's house earlier today. After I spend most of the day with the kids, they return once again to Linda's until Friday.

I could never have imagined the situation that is our "divided family". We were supposed to be together; together forever. Funny how the things you think are going to happen are the things that don't happen at all. No they don't. I know all about not getting what you want. I used to get most everything I wanted. "Ooh, there's an obscure part for my VW...I gotta get it now." And often times that's what I did. I got it "now". Now, the things I want are listed way at the bottom of priorities. What I need is pushed up all the way to the top. "Want" money is now "Need" money. And there's not much of it. The meager pile of presents under the tree can attest to that.

I know that Christmas is not about money, gifts, or getting what you want. I know that, but try telling that to my 8 and 4 year old kids. "Sorry, kids, but Santa didn't get the overtime he needed, so what you see is what you get". It sucks. I want to give all I can to my kids. I try, but often times fail. But what I guess is really important, more important than how many gifts are under the tree, is the fact that I love them enough to have them here. I love them enough to give them all that I can afford to give. To love them and to feel the love reciprocated by them. It feels good. I miss loved ones, regret waylaid plans for the holidays, and am sad for numerous reasons, but I think that tomorrow will be a good day. The kids enjoying the gifts, the phone calls that I'm sure will come one after the other, and maybe even a visit from friends...all of this will be for the uplifting my soul needs right now.

To all those who may happen to read this, Merry Christmas! If you read this at all, know that I do love you all, each and every one.

Now where are those goodies?