Whoa! My little Mazda didn't
know what was coming. The water crossing the road was wide, but not
very deep, so I didn't even see it until I was right on it. By then it
was too late to slow down much and the result was a huge splash and a
little hydroplane action. The car was never out of control, but it was
enough to make my hands increase their grip on the wheel and my
posterior increase its grip on the seat.
It's been raining forever. We've been in the grip of flood warnings for days, it seems, so the amount of water crossing to the other side was not surprising. What was surprising was how I could barely see the water crossing the road. I know they have been paving sections of road in my area, you see, and the moving water matched the black surface.
I made it through that and I continued on. It is dark on the road that leads to home. But I travel it every day so I know the turns and bear in mind that turkeys or deer or even coyotes can cross at any minute. None of that tonight, but as I rounded a corner that I know well, water was crossing and I did hit something that was loud and made my car bounce a bit. I had no idea what it was, but vowed to investigate the next day.
On my way to work, I did just that. Like I said, they have been paving sections of road near me. I don't get their method. I mean, I see no rhyme nor reason in the pave job. Patches here and there, the entire left side of the whole road, missing section in front of my driveway? Parts of the road have sections that are a good inch or so taller than the other parts. The place where I "hit something?" It was in a place where some paving had been done, and the force of water crossing the road was so great it had peeled the new pavement up, buckled parts of it, and slid most of the new layer into the ditch. You know where tectonic plates push up against each other and you get mountains? That's what I hit. The first thing that came to mind was this: the foundation had not been prepared for a new surface.
Know what else went through my mind? I was that road.
I can cover myself in any new outer persona I choose. I can put on a brand new coat of contentment, but if the surface (foundation) isn't prepared properly, that new layer will buckle and slip at the first sign of trouble, exposing the old soul underneath; one that has now been scarred by the force that removed the outer layer of the "new" me.
I am me. I don't try to make myself out to be someone I'm not and I surely don't want to be someone else. I won't be shaving my beard off anytime soon (sorry!). I love my children. I like going out, but love being at home even more. I love my job, I hate doing laundry, and I think I have an ingrown toenail. I'm addicted to Facebook. I sleep through 5 alarms in the mornings and can drink coffee at midnight. I am a bad liar...I just can't get away with it. I believe in God and I love love. And I don't want my feelings to show, but they have flashing lights and ringing bells and their own Master of Ceremonies. It is who I am. But sometimes, if I am fighting an internal battle, I put on a covering to strengthen my soul and conceal any hurt. I usually don't fool anyone, even though I say, "All is well." Unless you're looking for attention, I would bet that just about anyone would not want to wear their battles on their chest for the world to see.
I'm wandering here...
Whether it's through a renewed faith in God, the mountain guru's take on the meaning of life, or a smoke induced vision in a teepee, we're all looking for answers and a way to help ourselves when things go wrong. No matter which route you take to try to achieve these things, nothing will hold up under trials unless you prepare your foundation. Just like the new pavement buckling under trial by water, we can buckle under the stresses of our trials by life itself and that whole layer of improvement will be for nothing.
I've always had a foundation rooted in Christianity. It's what I was raised to believe and even though that belief has wavered over the years, it never really left me. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the best example of a Christian, not by a far cry. An "in your face bible-thumper" I'll never be.
So...it was nearly six years ago. I was hurting like I'd never hurt before and looking for answers. I had my close friends to help me, and I turned to them for assurance and love. But also, like any good Christian, I turned to the Bible, that Great Handbook on Life and After Life, for answers to my questions. Oh, it helped me, for sure. I went back to church and even joined a group therapy class where other Christians were dealing with loss too. It was good for me to have someone to talk to that was removed from the situation. It was good for my healing, but when the wounds were healed, I slid back into a scaled-down version of my former self. I masked the scars with a thin layer of happiness, and that happiness was real, just not laid on my shell properly.
I've had a more recent hurt. This one hurt just as bad as the first one. I have taken a step back and once again, re-examined my faith. I know that these earthly things will not last, whether it be a love that professes to live forever or a bank account that is rich but dwindles down faster than you expect...nothing lasts. I like to think that my love lasts a lifetime, and I know it will, but that's just it. I only have this one lifetime. The only thing that lasts is a loving soul. The temporary layer of improvement that I put on myself will always buckle under the stress of disappointment of my own expectations and my expectations of others.
I know I'm a good man. I know that I never intentionally hurt people. That's just not me. I don't "piss" on those I love or even those I don't. If I ever have, I am not aware of it. But is being good enough? Will going back to a church that I love going to be the thing that changes me? It can surely help, but it isn't what makes the soul strong, the foundation solid.
I'm working on my foundation so that the new layer of happiness has a firm grip to hold on no matter what happens. I am still me, but with a renewed hope and faith in love.
And love? Well, it's always the answer.
It's been raining forever. We've been in the grip of flood warnings for days, it seems, so the amount of water crossing to the other side was not surprising. What was surprising was how I could barely see the water crossing the road. I know they have been paving sections of road in my area, you see, and the moving water matched the black surface.
I made it through that and I continued on. It is dark on the road that leads to home. But I travel it every day so I know the turns and bear in mind that turkeys or deer or even coyotes can cross at any minute. None of that tonight, but as I rounded a corner that I know well, water was crossing and I did hit something that was loud and made my car bounce a bit. I had no idea what it was, but vowed to investigate the next day.
On my way to work, I did just that. Like I said, they have been paving sections of road near me. I don't get their method. I mean, I see no rhyme nor reason in the pave job. Patches here and there, the entire left side of the whole road, missing section in front of my driveway? Parts of the road have sections that are a good inch or so taller than the other parts. The place where I "hit something?" It was in a place where some paving had been done, and the force of water crossing the road was so great it had peeled the new pavement up, buckled parts of it, and slid most of the new layer into the ditch. You know where tectonic plates push up against each other and you get mountains? That's what I hit. The first thing that came to mind was this: the foundation had not been prepared for a new surface.
Know what else went through my mind? I was that road.
I can cover myself in any new outer persona I choose. I can put on a brand new coat of contentment, but if the surface (foundation) isn't prepared properly, that new layer will buckle and slip at the first sign of trouble, exposing the old soul underneath; one that has now been scarred by the force that removed the outer layer of the "new" me.
I am me. I don't try to make myself out to be someone I'm not and I surely don't want to be someone else. I won't be shaving my beard off anytime soon (sorry!). I love my children. I like going out, but love being at home even more. I love my job, I hate doing laundry, and I think I have an ingrown toenail. I'm addicted to Facebook. I sleep through 5 alarms in the mornings and can drink coffee at midnight. I am a bad liar...I just can't get away with it. I believe in God and I love love. And I don't want my feelings to show, but they have flashing lights and ringing bells and their own Master of Ceremonies. It is who I am. But sometimes, if I am fighting an internal battle, I put on a covering to strengthen my soul and conceal any hurt. I usually don't fool anyone, even though I say, "All is well." Unless you're looking for attention, I would bet that just about anyone would not want to wear their battles on their chest for the world to see.
I'm wandering here...
Whether it's through a renewed faith in God, the mountain guru's take on the meaning of life, or a smoke induced vision in a teepee, we're all looking for answers and a way to help ourselves when things go wrong. No matter which route you take to try to achieve these things, nothing will hold up under trials unless you prepare your foundation. Just like the new pavement buckling under trial by water, we can buckle under the stresses of our trials by life itself and that whole layer of improvement will be for nothing.
I've always had a foundation rooted in Christianity. It's what I was raised to believe and even though that belief has wavered over the years, it never really left me. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the best example of a Christian, not by a far cry. An "in your face bible-thumper" I'll never be.
So...it was nearly six years ago. I was hurting like I'd never hurt before and looking for answers. I had my close friends to help me, and I turned to them for assurance and love. But also, like any good Christian, I turned to the Bible, that Great Handbook on Life and After Life, for answers to my questions. Oh, it helped me, for sure. I went back to church and even joined a group therapy class where other Christians were dealing with loss too. It was good for me to have someone to talk to that was removed from the situation. It was good for my healing, but when the wounds were healed, I slid back into a scaled-down version of my former self. I masked the scars with a thin layer of happiness, and that happiness was real, just not laid on my shell properly.
I've had a more recent hurt. This one hurt just as bad as the first one. I have taken a step back and once again, re-examined my faith. I know that these earthly things will not last, whether it be a love that professes to live forever or a bank account that is rich but dwindles down faster than you expect...nothing lasts. I like to think that my love lasts a lifetime, and I know it will, but that's just it. I only have this one lifetime. The only thing that lasts is a loving soul. The temporary layer of improvement that I put on myself will always buckle under the stress of disappointment of my own expectations and my expectations of others.
I know I'm a good man. I know that I never intentionally hurt people. That's just not me. I don't "piss" on those I love or even those I don't. If I ever have, I am not aware of it. But is being good enough? Will going back to a church that I love going to be the thing that changes me? It can surely help, but it isn't what makes the soul strong, the foundation solid.
I'm working on my foundation so that the new layer of happiness has a firm grip to hold on no matter what happens. I am still me, but with a renewed hope and faith in love.
And love? Well, it's always the answer.
