Life is full of changes. Some changes are looked for with great anticipation. Some are unexpected, coming at you at full speed with no time to evade a full attack. Others are subtle, unknown at the time, but made aware in time. Some changes bring on pain of loss, like a dear friend stepping out of your life. Others bring in new lives and the chance to make new memories. My life has been full of change as of late.
I have a history of being resistant to change. I have the same Birkenstock sandals that I wear in the summer and the same pair that I wear in winter. I've had them for years. They have well worn-in foot pads and have had the soles replaced numerous times. I like them. I don't want to change them. They are comfortable and express who I am in so many ways. Simple little ol' me.
I used to work on a production line at a well-known bakery. Every once in a while, everyone would get a work evaluation. I don't remember everything on mine, but I do remember the one thing that I was made aware of and told to work on...resistance to change. I didn't like having to do another job that I wasn't used to doing. I admit to that. But I didn't think that it was a problem, at least not a big enough one to change the way I did things.
I really don't think I am resistant to change that much, but who really wants to uproot what you know and love for what is unknown? It's not comfortable. You get into this routine, you know what you know and you don't want to change it. Lately, I have had many changes. Ones that I didn't want, ones that I wanted but didn't hold onto, and some that I welcome.
I went from a happily married man to a depressed soon-to-be divorced man. This change resulted in me allowing myself to become someone I didn't know or love very much. I had been taken from my routine, normal life and dropped into a bowl of uncertainties and unknowns. I allowed myself to be depressed to the point of losing contact with lifelong friends and family. I know that some of them were worried about me, but at the time, I didn't care to hear from anybody. Especially if they wanted to talk about my situation. Leave me alone...
Then I met someone who was and is a beautiful, happy, smart, and artistic breath of fresh air. The bowl I was in tipped over and I tumbled out to a happier place. Great times ensued. My soul got the uplift it had been needing for quite some time. I really like this someone. I really do. I didn't know what was ahead, but I was willing to accept this welcomed change. Everything wasn't perfect, but the feelings that a lifelong friend or possibly more was being made filled my heart. It was good.
Change. Once again, I made a choice that changed things yet again. This time, I made the decision to make the change. I feel that I left behind a loving person who had awesome potential to become someone treasured in my life. It hurts me to think about this. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I made the choice to change my life yet again, and I hurt this person, I honestly believe that I did. And for that I am truly sorry. It weighs heavy upon my heart. There is hope for the future with this person, but for now, I don't know about this future.
But with this latest change, I think that I made the right choice for my betterment. There is this connection that was made many years ago. A change that couldn't be made back then is suddenly open to a welcomed diversion and interest. Barriers that were around me and this new person are broken and we are able to fully act upon old, once forbidden attractions. The connection is being linked together. And as much as I have been resistant to change, I chose to change. Changing ourselves makes us who we were, who we are, and who we are going to be...I am open to this change. I am excited.
I have lost much, not only once this year, but twice. But I hold hope for the future in my change of life. Hope that comes from acceptance of changing things that I do have control over. And letting the changes of the past remind me of what the future could hold. New friends, new loves, and a new life.
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