All Apologies

Last Monday, a woman did something to clear up something that I assume had been eating at her for quite some time. She apologized to me for something I had already stored away into the forgotten files.

It was several months ago and I was about to leave work. My son had come to work with me since it was Summer and there was no school. The 10th floor has a television with cable and there's also wi-fi throughout the entire building. I had gone up to get him and we were riding the elevator down. This was just about the time we had installed cameras on every floor and for fun, I thought I'd show him the cameras and wave at each one on our way down. We started at the 10th floor and when we stopped at the 8th floor, three people were waiting to get on. I told them that we were stopping at each floor, which was information overkill, because all the buttons were obviously lit up, and that they were in for a long ride. Two of them acted like it was no big deal, but the third person showed us that our fun was probably keeping her from her important date with the President himself. She kept huffing and puffing, looking at her watch, at me, her companions, the glowing buttons, her phone, the big "L" on my forehead...and I could sense that her friends were a bit uncomfortable with what she was doing. I suggested they could get off on any floor they desired and take the other elevator located right next to the one we were in. They sure would have gotten to the first floor a whole lot quicker. She actually uttered, "There's another elevator?"

These people were in the building long after the other staff had left for the day. Yes, they were church members, but in essence, they were there "after hours." I never would have punched all the call buttons during the confines of the normal work day. And, anyways, being the last employee in the building, part of my job duties could include checking each floor for lights left on. Who's to question that?

When we finally made it to the first floor, along with our reluctant passengers, we went one way and they went the other. As we rounded the corner, my son blurted out, "Well, they're no fun." I laughed...that's my boy.

There's no way anyone can get along with everybody. There's people whose personalities clash to the point of grating bones. There's people with whom I interact with on a daily basis that do just that to me. It's not that they are bad people and I hate them; it's the fact that their personality is so far on the other end of the spectrum from my own that I'd rather not have to subject myself to even be in their presence. It's bad, I know, but it's my right to my own peace that's at stake here. Do me wrong, and I won't hate you, nor will I go out of my way to wrong you back. But you will be shunned; shunned right into the floor.

Then there's those who mesh. There are those who get me. There are those that emit rays of light on even the darkest parts of my soul. They're the ones that I go out of my way to help; to share in their joy; to willfully interact with; to give back to them what they give to me. There's genuine pleasure in it.

Last Friday, I was in camping mode. I had packed my car the night before, hooked up and loaded down my little pull-behind trailer with camping gear, and made sure everything was in order before leaving for work, because I wasn't going back home before going to the campsite. There were a lot of things to do at work before I could go, though. One of things was setting up tables for the Flower Ministry. The people in this group rearrange the display flowers from the day's services into small vases to deliver to the sick or those otherwise unable to attend church. I already had the tables ready for the woman who heads up the arranging before she arrived. This woman is a joy to be around. She brings me bananas at least once a week. She consistently thanks me for the work I do and for the help I give her each week. She's genuine. On this day, she came up to thank me yet again, but she was also holding out her hand in a way to conceal something...a $20 bill. This isn't the first time she's palmed a $20 bill to me. I don't feel right taking her money, but I also know that it was needed and she won't allow me to refuse. And far be it from me to deny someone of something that they want to do. I recognized a correlation between her actions and the actions of the "apologetic woman" and felt the need to relate to her my experience and ended up the conversation with heartfelt gratitude and a friendly, thankful hug.

It is true that people can feed off the attitude of those around them. If you surround yourself with negative people, you take on their negativity. If you keep the company of kind and loving people, you yourself will emit loving kindness. Our attitudes are like giant sponges; absorbing what touches them, yet also able to wring out what was taken in with ease, if we so desire. And, it's kind of like the phenomenon of mass hysteria/hallucination. Someone thinks they see an image of the Virgin Mary in a molded rust stain on the side of a discarded refrigerator and suddenly hordes of people see the same thing and soon they're selling tickets, burning candles, falling out, offering up petitions of food, and praying to what is essentially a natural imperfection as a result of oxidized metal and spores. There's no magic in imperfections; but people see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear and if enough people see and hear, it spreads just like the growth of rust and mold.

I was in the church's kitchen cutting up tomatoes for a salad to be served at a luncheon when the woman who had gotten upset came in. She came to ask a question about another table for the luncheon or something, I don't really remember, but ended up offering an apology for her actions on the elevator that day. She said that it doesn't excuse what she did, but she had received a distressing phone call about a family member before getting on the elevator and was in a mood. She said that she hoped the actions of a grumpy old woman didn't have an effect upon the fun that my son and I were having that day. Since I was preparing food, I was wearing latex gloves, and being careful not to stain her clothes, I told her to just stop, come here, and I gave her a hug. All was good.

Sometimes we don't receive the apology we need to overcome a hurt. Lord knows there's some I never got. Some are close, like when I was told "Sorry about the way things went down." It was a partial apology. But there was no admittance to wrongdoing or even a hint of being sorry for what they did. But I've learned to live with what it is. Accepting it doesn't make it okay, but it does alleviate most of the hurt, and that's close to the same thing.

It's people like that woman with her apology, and the flower lady that make dealing with the polar opposites in my life and workplace all worth the effort. It encourages me to continue being who I am; to be kind and to receive kind in return. I want to live so that I don't have to apologize for anything.

The Supplicant Oracle

I went out on my porch a bit ago to feed my cats and sit on my porch swing. The wind was blowing gently, but I could hear it picking up in the rustling of the leaves in the tops of nearby trees. A series of storms had blown through and rain was still dripping from the eaves of the roof. Night insects were making their respective night noises and the porch light was drawing in the moths and the beetles and the nameless flying insects to its yellow glow. Near the porch light, the blue-white tube of light from the bug zapper lured even more insects to "go towards the light." I could see that a spider had built her web in the space between the two lights. Smart move.

As I sat on my swing, the noise of the wind got louder, and mixed with it, the sound of increasing drops of rain. The bug zapper was swaying on its hook, making the spider's web catch rays of light on the shiny surfaces of each strand. It was beautiful. As I watched the web, movement on the porch rail below the lights caught my eye. I focused in and there was one of the biggest specimen of praying mantis I've ever seen. I'm not a good judge of size (three inches, six inches, twelve...), but it had to be at least 5-6 inches long. The movement that caught my eye was the praying mantis' circular swaying as it stood beneath the lights. I got up for a closer look...and it turned its head and looked right at me.

I don't believe in aliens. That's not to say they don't exist. Just because you don't believe something, doesn't make it not true. But if there are aliens biding their time to enslave these soft creatures of various colors who, in the words of Radiohead Thom Yorke, "lock up their spirits, drill holes in themselves, and live for their secrets," I can imagine them looking just like praying mantises. Big eyes, long antennae, grabby-pokey forehands, long spindly legs, skinny tube-like bodies, and retractable wings. Shudder.

The electrical cord from the bug zapper hangs down and it is close to the railing. The praying mantis swayed in place for a few seconds, then reached across the span and grabbed on to the cord. It started climbing. Now, even though they remind me of potential aliens, I didn't wish this creature to climb into the zapper and die in a buzzing, smoking dance of death. At the same time, I was curious to see if it was drawn to the light like the lesser, dumber creatures, or if it was using the light as a lure for a late-night snack. So I waited and watched. It slowly made its way up the cord, using its powerful forearms and thin legs to pull itself upward. Every time I made a movement, it would stop and turn its head towards me. So I did my best to not move. When it got to the same level as the bottom of the zapper, I was on the ready to pull the plug. But it made no attempt to climb onto it. It kept climbing the cord until it reached the top of the zapper, then climbed onto the rafter above. I never saw it catch anything, but I believe it was taking advantage of the light's allure to catch a meal.

I think the praying mantis might be my favorite insect. Did you know that "mantis" is the Greek word for "prophet" or "seer?" Those eyes, though...and as far as my favorite insect, it's a close race between it and a writing spider. Now, they are cool. I've sat and watched one build her web, tying off the supporting strands, then making the spiraling network of strands that make up the body of the web. And when she called it complete, she waited with patience in the middle for her catch of the day. But the mantis has no web; just those lightning-fast grabbing claws. And where I've been calling the mantis an "it," just going by the size of this particular mantis, I should be saying, "her" or "she." Those same claws she uses to catch her meals, those claws which hold tight as she munches away at her meal; those are the same claws the hold her mate as she bites his head off.

It is common for her to bite her mate during mating, and it is widely believed that it is the only way the male mantis can release sperm to fertilize her eggs. It is true that if he is attacked during mating, it will increase the "action down below", which results in an increased chance of fertilization. Science has more or less disproved the former statement:

"The reason for sexual cannibalism has been debated, with some considering submissive males to be achieving a selective advantage in their ability to produce offspring. This theory is supported by a quantifiable increase in the duration of copulation among males who are cannibalized, in some cases doubling both the duration and the chance of fertilization. This is contrasted by a study where males were seen to approach hungry females with more caution, and were shown to remain mounted on hungry females for a longer time, indicating that males actively avoiding cannibalism may mate with multiple females. The same study also found that hungry females generally attracted fewer males than those who were well fed. The act of dismounting is one of the most dangerous times for males during copulation, for it is at this time that females most frequently cannibalize their mates. This increase in mounting duration was thought to indicate that males are more prone to wait for an opportune time to dismount from a hungry female rather than from a satiated female that would be less likely to cannibalize her mate. Some consider this to be an indication that male submissiveness does not inherently increase male reproductive success, rather that more fit males are likely to approach a female with caution and escape."

So it isn't always a death sentence for the male. Sometimes he is lucky enough to live and find another mate, thus starting the deadly ritual all over again. But, man, those males have it rough. They are merely doing what generations of male mantises have done before: getting what they want by giving generations of female mantises what they want. And in return, they get their heads chewed off.

Their heads chewed off...

But that doesn't stop successive males from continuing to procreate; to woo the members of the opposite sex, who more often than not, can hand them their heads on a platter. Literally.

So there is hope after all. :-)

Quoted sources:

1) Maxwell, Michael R.; Gallego, Kevin M.; Barry, Katherine L. (2010). "Effects of female feeding regime in a sexually cannibalistic mantid: Fecundity, cannibalism, and male response in Stagmomantis limbata (Mantodea)". Ecological Entomology 35 (6)
2) Lelito, Jonathan P.; Brown, William D. (2006). "Complicity or Conflict over Sexual Cannibalism? Male Risk Taking in the Praying Mantis Tenodera aridifolia sinensis". The American Naturalist 168 (2): 263