(Here is the one I wasn’t ready to post. I think I am now and I still think it is relevant…)I stumbled across a website the other day that forced to the surface of my brain thoughts hiding just under the lining that cushions my thinker from my thick skull. They were hiding in there, just deep enough for me to almost forget they were there, but not deep enough for me to not remember. The website I tripped over while running around the internet was a collection of last words of famous people. Some last words were profound, some incoherent, others just plain silly. Here are a few examples...
“I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.”
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702
“Where is my clock?”
~~
“Goodbye, everybody!”
~~Hart Crane (Said when he committed suicide by jumping overboard during a steamship voyage.)
“Hey y'all, watch this.”
~~Bubba
OK, so I made that last one up, but it still is relevant...for these last utterances were words to remember them by. Quotes and sayings that will survive into perpetuity. You could say they are words that mainly sum up the person's life in a nut sack...er, I mean nut shell. I believe that whatever you say at your death, for the most part, is the picture of honesty at its zenith. What else do you have to lose? Your doom is eminent. I like the first quote above. This person spent their life correcting grammar and showed grammar knowledge at death. Their life's work was summed up and, to me; maybe even a little humor was shown in those words. The third quote reminds me of Dr. Nick from The Simpsons. He always says “Hello, everybody!” In the big screen movie, he dies and says, “Goodbye, everybody!”
Words. Again, with words. The thoughts that were just under the surface of my brain consisted of words. Not profound or famous last words, but words of doom just the same. I got to thinking about words that I had heard in the not-so-distant ago that carried that foul stench of doom and heart-wrenching pain. Words that I hadn't heard much in the past, and they are words that I don't really want to hear again…but I’m sure I will.
"I don't want to hurt you."
Doomsday words. Danger: Broken Heart Ahead. Achtung baby! I have only really heard this phrase a few times, but those occurrences have all happened in the past year. 38 years of not hearing these words together, then bang! I heard it several times within a few months.
The first time occurred near the end of my marriage. This time it had the most significance to me. It heralded in the beginning of the end. I don’t complain that we never fought over our 13 years of marriage. It made me think that all was well. Who wants to live with constant fighting? I don’t and I’m sure she didn’t want to either. I lived in my secure turtle shell, oblivious to what was really going on. But looking back, maybe a little bout every now and then would have brought feelings out into the light where no shadows lie, where we could have hashed out feelings of neglect, lost love, and even displayed our inhibitions. Little did I know that those words would mean to me what they mean to me now. “I don’t want to hurt you”. Words of doom to my ears. Who does want to be hurt? It hurts to be hurt. It feels as if your heart is torn, your body aches, and your eyes get wet. Again, in retrospect, I would rather have had small periods of pain than the great wound inflicted upon my heart. Did I hurt her? Apparently I did, whether known to me or not, whether I meant to or not. I know that I didn't mean to. And I still love…
I heard it again a short time later. Only this time the words “You are such a beautiful, sweet man” were thrown in as well. A beautiful man who no one wants to hurt, but the end result is that the hurt comes along anyway. I hold no ill will towards the speaker of these words. It may have been doomed from the beginning, I don’t know. I just had to find out “what if”. I had a wonderful time, my heart was uplifted, and I hope I made a new friend. But things did end, as all things do. No regrets, darling. But, those words again…harbingers of doom.
Once again, either after the second time or before, I’m not sure (probably both), but those words rang in my ears again. In fact, I can still hear the echo…but I can’t tell if it is different voices I hear bouncing around in my head, or just one. The result of hearing these words this time have not brought any ill luck as of yet, but I won’t count that out till the sun is shining on me and there are no clouds on the horizon. I am comfortable right now. I have happy warm fuzzy feelings abounding that are holding back the effects of the words of doom. But that doesn’t mean that doom is not waiting around the corner of the wall, in a dark trench coat, fedora cocked at an angle so as not to see facial features, leaned up against the wall, just standing there, ready to attack me when I round the corner.
Another song, another story…sing on, Billy Joel…sing about Famous Last Words…
Sitting here in Avalon, looking at the pouring rain
Summertime has come and gone and everybody's home again
Closing down for the season, I found the last of the souvenirs
I can still taste the wedding cake and it's sweet after all these years
These are the last words I have to say
That's why this took so long to write
There will be other words some other day
But that's the story of my life
There's comfort in my coffee cup and apples in the early fall
They're pulling all the moorings up and gathering at the Legion Hall
They swept away all the streamers after the Labor Day parade
Nothing left for a dream now, only one final serenade
And these are the last words I have to say
Before another age goes by
With all those other songs I'll have to play
But that's the story of my life
And it's so clear standing here where I am
Ain't that what justice is for?
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn anymore
Stack the chairs on the table tops
Hang the sheets on the chandeliers
It slows down but it never stops
Ain't it sweet after all these years
And these are the last words I have to say
It's always hard to say goodbye
But now it's time to put this book away
Ain't that the story of my life
I know things end. If it has a beginning, it has an end. You are born; you die. You enter the work force; you retire. You go to pre-school; you graduate from college. Alpha to Omega. Beginning to end. Lots of stuff happens to you in the middle of it all. Happiness, hurt, love, hatred, good times and bad…you just hope to make the most of what you got, what you love, and what you learn. Take the things thrown at you and make something new. Create a new beginning that takes you to a different end. Keep on chugging, love without ceasing, and hopefully, be loved in return.
And try to not get hurt in the process.
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