(Un)Broken

Wasting time. That’s what I’m doing right now…wasting time. I should be folding up clothes from the dryer, folding up clothes from the hamper (they’re clean, I just put them in there to make room for more clothes in the dryer), putting those clothes away, and doing more laundry. It piles up. I hate it. But even though they sometimes sit for days on end in the dryer or hamper, I am glad that my washer and dryer work. I don’t have to load up clothes on a weekly or even bi-weekly basis and haul it down to some Laundromat and deal with people in the same situation. But, hey, isn’t that a great place to hook up with someone? Ahh…yeah, whatever.

There are dishes in the sink. Hand washing dishes sucks. For years, the only dishes washed in the sink were the pots and pans with the oh-so-delicate non-stick surfaces that shouldn’t go in a dishwasher. The handy, dandy dishwasher. The one that now doesn’t work. It hasn’t worked in months. I think I have figured out why it doesn’t work. A $50 pump has gone bad, I think. I’m not the dishwasher repairman, but that is my prognosis. What’s the holdup on getting it fixed already? $50 that I don’t have, that’s what. So, as an alternative to fixing the dishwasher right away, I opt to wash the dishes another way. In the sink, by hand, the way the pioneers used to do it. Not the preferred way, but the dishes get washed (eventually). I haven’t thrown the dishwasher away. I know it will work someday; I just have to take the time and the initiative, and then have the cash to get it to work.

There is grass to mow. Oh, it has been mowed this season. It’s not like the grass has gone to seed and has reached epic proportions of size. No, it’s just thicker than the last time I mowed and the time has come to mow again. I have a riding lawn mower. Guess what? It’s broken too. The deck of the mower has probably seen its last mowing season. The engine fires up just fine. It goes forward and backward when put into gear. The problem is that the blades that won’t turn when they are engaged. I think it is a seized pulley or mandrel (the thing the blade attaches to). I still get the yard mowed. I don’t say, “The rider is broken, so I can’t mow the yard.” No, as an alternative to riding a lawn mower, which is so much easier on the body, I opt to use my push mower. It is hard to start, vibrates like hell, and is missing its mandated safety cut-off switch, but it gets the job done. It works.

My VW camper is up on jack stands, engine pulled and awaiting a rebuild. It has been hovering like that for over a month now. What really sucks is that camping season is starting. In fact, just this past weekend, I had to work at my club’s VW show. To make it easier to get started in the morning, I, along with a majority of the club members, camp on the show site. Did I not camp this weekend because my camper is (ahem) broken? Do I give up because it won’t work? No. I just took my tent and hammock along with me and found a way to make it work. I didn’t have the comforts that I am used to with the camper, but it worked out anyway. I made it work.

I can’t think of all the things that are broken in my life right now. There sure are a lot of them. Heart, vehicle, head, mower, feelings, appliances, love…you name it, it is probably broken. I’m not an expert on repairing any of these things. I haven’t taken classes on cardiac maintenance, psychiatry, lawnmower repair, emotional first aid, dishwasher repair, auto mechanics, or lessons on how to love. I just delve into what’s broken, and determine a way to fix it. It may not be the proper way. It may not be the “learned” way. In the case of auto repair, I usually refer to a manual for help, but often times just get in there and start working. Most of the things are self explanatory. Fixing the lawnmower is not beyond my scope, but I have friends who know how to work on them and with their help, it can be done. The dishwasher…well, that might take an expert, but at least I think I know what is wrong with it. I’m not afraid to jump in and try to find a solution.

It should be the same way with the other things that are broken. My heart, my head, my feelings…my love. I want to solve the problems by myself, but I don’t know how to fix them. That doesn’t mean that I don’t try. I do so try. Self help is my main motto. Fix it. Solve that problem. Make it work. Too bad that always doesn’t do the trick. I can’t tell my heart to stop hurting. I can’t force the thoughts that sometimes plague my mind to go away. I can’t keep my emotions in check sometimes. I can’t force someone to love me any more than I can force myself to love someone else. All I can do is be myself.

But wait a minute. Maybe I can do these things. The heart, mind, emotion, love…all of these are interconnected. My mind will become clearer when the heart stops hurting…the heart will stop hurting once the mind clears itself of painful thoughts. Then, the emotions that I am so plagued with (I’m a Cancer and I don’t care!) might become more under control when the heart and mind are communicating like they should. All that is left is love. I know I can love. I have loved. I do love. I will love. Maybe this works in reverse…maybe love is the catalyst to fix the rest of the broken parts. When that part of the machine is fixed, the rest of the parts that rely on that one significant part finally can do their job. I am then whole. Fixed…not broken. But that can only happen if I am willing to work on it, and get my hands dirty. I’m not afraid to do it. I can do it. Self help at its finest. I have to want to work on what is broken, what is perceived to not work, to see if it will work. I do want it to work. And if it doesn’t work, hey, at least I put an effort in and had fun in the process.

All this makes me think of the great inventors. Edison giving up on the light bulb. Tesla throwing his hands up and walking away from alternating electrical current. The Sumerians and Babylonians tossing out those vats of fermented hops and wheat…otherwise known as beer. What if all these people had just given up because they thought it wouldn’t work? Would these things never have been invented? Maybe not, but I think they would have. If the ones who are attributed to inventing these things didn’t invent them, I truly believe that someone would have eventually. But what makes the most significance is that they did do it. They tried to make these things work and they succeeded. After how many failures? I don’t know. I just know that they did succeed and because of it, we have lights in our houses, alternating electricity to work the lamps that hold the light bulbs, and beer to drink in a house lit up with lights powered by electricity. All parts work together.

I want to fix it the things that are broken. I want them to work. I want the grand machine that is me to run harmoniously and trouble-free. Only thing…there is no manual to refer to…only the willingness to work at it, the tenacity to try and try again, and the knowledge gained by getting in there and making it work. Of course, mistakes will be made, and the more that are made, the more lessons that will be learned, and the better the end result will be.

Fixed. Whole. Unbroken.