The Other Side of Happiness

"Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. What can make you happy? A pay raise at work? Seeing your kids ride a bike without training wheels? Winning the lottery? Love? Many things make me happy, but it seems like it is the little things that do the trick. Big things have too many things hidden "between the lines".

I consider myself a happy person. It doesn't take much to do it to me. Today, I felt down about my financial future. I'm not happy about it, but I'm sure I will be someday. This evening, while on the phone with my soon-to-be ex wife (who was asking me why I was so pissy lately...hmmm...losing my house, wife, time with children, facing an uncertain future might have something to do with it) I saw clouds marching across the sky at sunset. They were bright red. In the middle of laying blame with each other, I blurted out, "The clouds are a beautiful shade of red right now, can you see them from where you are?". Not that our argument stopped because of it, but in the middle of something I consider just downright hateful, I noticed beauty in nature, and it made me happy, if only for a second. I wished it would have lasted a bit longer...

Little things like hearing my daughter say "I love you, Daddy" make me happy. Seeing my son actually ride a bicycle (never mind the training wheels, he's on a bike!) makes me happy. Even something that's taken for granted, such as getting my paycheck handed to me, makes me happy. Although today, when my boss gave me mine, I was in the middle of a self-pity party and the meager earnings did little to crash that party. He even asked me if I was OK. I told him that I will be someday, but no, I am not OK right now, thanks anyway. Getting a little pick-me-up from a friend in the form of a text message makes me happy. Taking my daughter to a Father/Daughter dance and dancing the night away with the only close female relative to me who won't look at me and judge me as a failure makes me happy.

I was happy as a married man. I loved my wife (still do) and that made me happy. We will never agree as to who is at fault for our failed marriage. To her, I am at fault for not doing more to stave off the impossibly mountainous pile of debt that WE had created, not being a more attentive father to my children, not caring that she was working overtime to keep our lifestyle we were accustomed to. To me, she was at fault for not telling me that she was unhappy for so long, and for...well, really there was nothing else. Just a lack of communication on her part, or should I say, both our parts.

Back before we got married, we took some pre-marriage counseling from the pastor who performed the ceremony. We filled in the blanks in a book called Before You Say "I Do" telling what we would do to save our marriage if at any point we felt it was in peril. Maybe we were just young, dumb and naive (I'm still two of those...guess which two), looking back at it now, some of the things we said seem like kindergarten work. Communication was one of the answers. We know how that worked out. Being a writer, I said that I would write a poem. Feeling like our marriage was in peril, that's just what I did. I felt that she showed no appreciation for it, so I don't feel like I am wrong for posting it here. (And if you are one of those people that don't like poetry, ahem, feel free to skip it...)

You Are Why I Love You

You are the reason I wake up each day.
I anticipate the very moment you say
I love you.
You are the sun that shines on my head.
You are the moonbeam across my bed.
I love you.
You are the breath that sustains my life.
I am oh, so proud to call you my wife.
I love you.
You are the bandage that heals my hurts.
You keep the pain from getting worse.
I love you.
You are the wind that blows through the trees.
I look up to you as if on my knees.
I love you.
You are the tears seeping from my eyes.
You are thoughtful, caring, beautiful and wise.
I love you.
You are my lover, my partner, a mother.
I will never, ever want another.
I love you.
You are the one who makes me feel love.
You fit in my life like a hand in a glove.
I love you.
You are the reminder for why I am here.
I want to be reminded year after year.
I love you.
You are my angel with wings so soft.
I want you to hold me and keep me aloft.
I love you.
You are my being, my force, my essence.
I never want to be out of your presence.
I love you.
You make me quiver with a touch of your skin.
I need to tell you again and again
I love you.
You are the dewy grass under my feet.
I can’t wait until again we meet.
I love you.
You are the loved one that I miss.
You make me happy with just one kiss.
I love you.
You are the memory of times we’ve had.
I want to make more, the good (and the bad).
I love you.
You are the sweet, soft song of a bird.
I hang on to your every word.
I love you.
You are the very beat of my heart.
I never, ever want to be apart.
I love you.
You are the morning, the noon and night.
You soothe my soul when it’s full of fright.
I love you.
You keep me afloat in a sea of despair.
I want to know you’ll always be there.
I love you.
You make the cold go away with a touch.
I need you to know just how very much
I love you.
You are the one with the key to my door.
You know how the use it as no one before.
I love you.
You keep my warm under the covers.
We make love like ultimate lovers.
I love you.
You keep me safe in a haven of trust.
I need to tell you again or I’ll bust…
I love you.
You make me feel like a schoolhouse boy.
You fill my every day with joy.
I love you.
And if I haven’t said it too many times
Too bad, I’ve said it again in these rhymes.
I love you,
I love you,
I love you.

And that is how I felt. But it wasn't enough. Silly old me wrote another one, even though it seemed to be a waste of time.

Waiting for You

I can’t wait for the time when you say
that things are back to the way they should be
and the time of love is here to stay
for the rest of our lives, for you and me.

I can’t wait to be again in your mind
as the man you loved when we were younger
when we knew that all it took was some time
to make our love grow stronger and stronger.

I can’t wait to again feel your touch
as a feeling of skin on skin, a breath in your ear
my fingers through your hair, I yearn so much
to feel the feeling of having you near.

I can’t wait to taste your taste, to smell the air
coming from your body as we are entwined in love.
The feel of your fingers on my back and in my hair
makes me feel as a spirit in the clouds above.

I can’t wait to be alone in the dark or in the light
with you doing the things that we wish for.
Whatever we’re doing it will feel, oh, so right
before the entire world or behind our closed door.

I can’t wait for the next time we kiss, a kiss so deep
that we can hardly take a breath, or say a word.
This kiss is one that would make the angels weep
and we will be so entranced, their cries won’t be heard.

I can’t wait for any of this, but I know that things take time.
I’ll just keep holding on to the hope of love regained
and know that a promise made with rings of yours and mine
will allow me to wait, with your love in my mind engrained.

And until that time…I won’t give up and I won’t let go.
I’ll hold onto the memories and wait in every way.
When again we both, in our hearts, feel and know
our love will last…for forever and a day.

Cheesy. Love makes you do silly things. I didn't think it was silly at the time. Poetry had worked before, so it was worth a shot. I knew it wouldn't fix everything, but it told her exactly how I felt about her and our love...a love that was withering away.

OK. None of this is making me happy. But my daughter just came into my room and showed me something she was making for her little "crush" at school for Valentine's Day. It is a little heart shaped pillow with a ladybug sitting on it, and a cutout heart with drawings and "Be My Valentine" written on it. She likes this little boy a lot. She is only 8 years old. Should I be worried? I don't think so. I think I should be happy. And I am.

Happiness just found me.