Only a Reflection

(I started this on Wednesday, but fell asleep while trying to write it. So, the "todays" have been changed to "yesterdays")

Yesterday. What a day it was. Left somebody's side to put time in for "the man" in exchange for some money. I wouldn't say that it isn't a fair exchange. I just think that the exchange rate is somewhat skewed to say the least. More should be coming to me because, damn it, I think I do a great job. More money would compensate for the awesomeness that is what I do. Yeah. That's it, gimme mo' money.

I would much rather have been under some warm, comfy and cozy sheets next to a warm, comfy and cozy someone. Having the sun beaming through curtain-less windows, a feline or two balled up at my feet to keep them warm, to have just one morning where I didn't have to hump my butt to get out and on the road for the LONG ass drive to work. But warm sheets and warm bodies don't put gas in my bus or food on the table for my kids. So I opted to go to work. I think they appreciate that I show up. They're lucky.

Yesterday was good for the most part. The same crazy dude at work making me laugh all day, the same tubes of titanium that needed sanding, shaping, drilling, pressing. All too familiar faces seen day in and day out. SSDD. Although it was a lot colder than the day before. While I had on two shirts and two jackets yesterday, I was hot in just my shirts and was wishing for a short sleeved shirt on the day before that. I had hoped that the warm weather would hold out for a little bit longer, but this crazy Tennessee weather can't make up its mind. I wanna be hot, now I wanna be cold...

The only snag in my day was partly my own doing. If there was a switch on my body somewhere, even a simple toggle switch for "off" and "on", that I could flip when my mind starts to think, I would definitely use it all the time. If there was set of buttons labeled "smart" and "stupid", my fingers would be pushing them like Final Jeopardy depended on it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as smart as I seem to be. Maybe I wouldn't always be rationalizing situations and trying to find solutions to questions that, to some, aren't that important. I would push the button marked "stupid", then flip the switch to turn my mind off. Anything to get unwanted thoughts out of my head. The aforementioned snag in my day came in the form of a telephone call that partially answered questions that had been mulling about in my mind for quite some time. Questions of trust and mistrust; of whys and whens; of hurts and loves. I'm really not going to go into conversations here, I know what was said and what was not said. The things said were not as bad as the read "unsaid" things. The things not said are what hang around like a lost spirit, a spirit with nowhere to turn to but right here in my head, my heart, my home.

Mistrust. I do have a lot of it. I try not to, but it keeps hanging around like a transient in the doorway of a seedy business, hand extended out, begging for whatever hope can bring. Mistrust is only a reflection of what is there. It might be what I see, it might not be there at all. Mistrust can turn me into a person that I don't want to be. Keeping it from rearing its ugly head is a constant battle that I wage, keeping it in its lair is hard to do. But I try, really I do.

Total change up. Mentions of buses and painting of buses. Here are a few pictures of a few buses that, if I ever was in a state of mind to allow someone with the artistic abilities that would enable this person to painstakingly and lovingly paint my bus...something like this would be the only thing, besides a total factory repaint, that I would even allow.

This one reminds me of the Rockies. Not that I have ever been there, but this is what I imagine it would look like at sunset (or is it sunrise?).


















This one says Appalachia all over it.


















"C'mon, c'mon get happy!" The owner of this bus is named Snoopy. Great guy, he is.


















That's all. There were plenty more to choose from, but all the rest of them had the probable cause look to them. Not what I want.

Different looks. Different outlooks. Same story. Same ending. Mistrust. Love. Lots of different subjects. Turning the switch back to "on" and pushing the button labeled "smart". That's how I want this to end.