Ghost in the Machine

There's a buzzing at my hip, and I can't find my cell phone. It isn't at my hip, that's for sure...so why do I feel a vibration? Like something is there, but really isn't?

I read something online the other day about "phantom buzzing". Supposedly people who are used to carrying around a cell phone or pager, and even more prevalent with Blackberries (or, "Crackberries", alluding to the addictive nature of the beast) with a vibrate function feel a phantom buzzing at their waist when they are not even carrying the device at all. This phenomenon, aptly called "ringxiety" or "fauxcellarm", has been reported in increasing numbers. Some users compare the feeling to a phantom limb, which Merriam-Webster's medical dictionary defines as "an often painful sensation of the presence of a limb that has been amputated." I've heard about that stuff. Someone feels an itch on a foot that is no longer a part of them. That would drive me crazy.

Found a quote about this phantom buzzing thing:

"People feel the phone is part of them and they're not whole without their phones, since the phones connect them to the world. As human beings, we're so tapped into our community, responsiveness to what's going on, we're so attuned to the threat of isolation and rejection, we'd rather make a mistake than miss a call. Our brain is going to be scanning and scanning and scanning to see if we have to respond socially to someone."

I was talking about something like this to someone just yesterday. Only it wasn't about a phantom buzzing at my hip or an anticipatory feeling like my phone should be ringing. It was about my phantom wedding ring. I wore my wedding ring for over 13 years, only taking it off for my eight-hour work shift at the bakery. While working there, I would slip it on Linda's thumb while she slept, give her a good-bye kiss, and promptly remove it from her thumb and put it back on when I got home. For the past nearly 5 years, I don't think I ever took it off. I've got a fading indention on my finger that is the same width as my ring...how long till it is gone? I used to "thumb" my ring with my thumb, rubbing it lovingly just to make sure it was still on my finger. I find myself still doing that. When I do, and I don't feel it there, I almost freak out, thinking that I have lost it, forgot to put it on this morning, it has slipped off and is on the ground somewhere...then I remember that I don't wear it anymore. There is no reason to wear it.

I am not big on wearing jewelry. Besides the hand-made (by me, of course) hemp necklace, and the sometimes worn, hand-made hemp (by me again!) anklet, and the singular non-hemp silver hoop earring (not made by me), my wedding band was the only "ornate" piece I ever wore. White gold on yellow gold with six little diamonds. Made me feel a little bit like Liberace, but without the rest of his jewelry, minus the glitz and glamor and all the other (no offense here, but...) gay shit.

Phantom buzzing. I feel it sometimes. I feel the phantom wedding ring on my finger often.

Back to the phantom limb thing...I suppose you could feel a phantom feeling for a person who isn't a part of your day-to-day life anymore. I know that feeling. From the "his side/her side" bathroom sink drawers to the same separated sides of the bed, I feel it. The empty slots in the toothbrush holder, the missing alarm clock from the other bedside table, the smaller number of coffee mugs. The lone towel hanging from the towel rack, the missing number of pillows on the bed, the open spot in the driveway. Just samples of phantom objects that remind me of what is gone, what is missing from my life. I hate them.

I could say the same thing for some friends that are now ghosts. I say ghosts because I can't see them anymore. Not that they don't exist...I just don't see them. They wander about near here, they see people I know and love, yet are invisible to me. They spend time with my other friends and even have dinner and hang out with my "ex" and children, yet pass on by me as if I were the ghost. Maybe I am. I know that I haven't been myself for quite some time. Maybe I have become a little transparent myself.

I hear things as well. Phantom things like creaking floors that tell you someone is walking down the hallway...but no one is there. Gravel crunching in the driveway as if a car is pulling up to park...yet no vehicle. I hear other things too, things that seem to be phantoms, but do exist. Yesterday, I heard something about one friend of mine that disturbed me, yet at the same time, I wasn't too concerned about too much either. What I heard came from a third party who heard it from a friend who heard it firsthand. How do I know who to believe? I don't know. People say things, maybe not meaning it, maybe do, but sometimes they say things without thinking. These things have a way of getting back to places where they were not meant to get to. Or maybe they were meant to get to where they end up. Maybe. What I heard was that he calls "dibs" on my wife. Damn. That hurts. If this is true, and he did say this, then as a friend, or at least the way I feel a friend should be, the least he could do is keep those kind of comments to himself, or at least not say them in front of people who he knows will tell me what has been said. Even better yet, wait until the divorce is final, then swoop in like a vulture to the rotting meat. I know I haven't been a saint on this "waiting" subject, but I don't go around telling people things that I know would hurt the one(s) I love. I don't even allow people to bad mouth my wife. I tell them to keep it to themselves, or at least keep it out of earshot of myself and my kids. To my kids, mommy is the best person alive, and that is how it should be and will be forever.

Phantom buzzing. Phantom rings. Phantom limbs. Phantom friends. Too many ghosts for me. I don't think too much about the buzzing at my hip. Like Scott Adams (Dilbert creator) says about the phantom buzzing, "Ooh, it's an e-mail with good news! So far, the only good news is that my pocket is vibrating, and that's OK because it gives me hope that the condition might spread to the rest of my pants." That would be OK by me...bring on the vibrating pants! Even the phantom ring on my finger I can handle. The indention will go away, my thumb will eventually stop rubbing what is not there, and I will one day stop worrying that I lost my wedding ring. I don't even worry about phantom limbs...if I ever lose an arm or leg or other appendage, I will worry about it then.

But phantom friends...I don't know. An exorcism might be in order.