A Corner of Hope

Sigh. Ho-hum. Too many thoughts going through this brain. And many of those thoughts are dark. Not evil-suicidal-killing rampage dark, but moody-poor-little 'ol me dark. Not the normal happy-go-lucky thoughts that have built a metropolis filled to the top of the tallest skyscraper with feelings of joy and love...those thoughts must have taken a sabbatical.

I miss someone. Immensely.

Dictionary.com says that "miss" has numerous definitions.
1. to fail to hit or strike
2. to fail to encounter, meet, catch, etc.
3. to fail to take advantage of
4. to fail to be present at or for
5. to notice the absence or loss of
6. to regret the absence or loss of
7. to escape or avoid
8. to fail to perceive or understand

Those are just the verb definitions. That's good enough. I'm not talking about "miss" as in failure to hit or strike; failure to meet, or take advantage of. Nor am I talking about failure to be present for, to escape or avoid, nor failure to understand. I am talking about to notice and regret the absence of...

Who do I miss? I have a list. One person is a dear friend of mine who lives in Cleveland, but is in California for MacWorld (for all you Apple users). He is a big man, someone who is good to have in your corner in a fight; one who has my back covered when I need it. He is one of my few best friends. I haven't seen him in a while, so the news he gave me last night was disturbing. He has had some medical issues arise in the past few months. He suffers from psoriasis and has been taking injections for it. I guess a side effect of the injections is a potential for liver damage. He now says that he is probably looking at a liver transplant. It's pretty serious, I would think. It's not like the liver is one of those organs you can do without. It's on the same level as say, your heart, at least the way I see it. I just want "Gerald" to know that I am here for him...love ya, man.

Who else? This person is someone who I met near the end of last year. A wonderful lady, yes indeed. House full of cats; shelves and shelves of books; and oodles and oodles of knickknacks. One who taught me that there is life after loss...there is a reason to go on. One who also taught me that as long as you have a great tiller and three little birds, that's all you need to be on your way to happiness. You know who you are...I do miss you.

Could there be more? Oh, yes. I miss another person. A friend made a few years ago...whom I lost contact with...and just recently found again. A friend who showed me that smoked oysters from a can are actually not that bad. And that Scrat (from Ice Age) is super silly. A multi-faceted diamond. Why do I miss what has been found? Because visual and physical contact has been suspended temporarily for reasons I shall not mention. Things happening too fast; feelings of fear of being hurt arise and yield signs get erected. I don't think I saw stop signs...those things scare the hell out of me. Communication is not entirely cut off, but I have lost the use of my senses used in close contact communication...touch, sight, smell, taste, hearing. I miss using them. But that's where we are and I wait until I can use them again. Soon I will. Do you hear me? I miss you.

You know who else I miss? Me. The person who I used to be. I remember a time when I didn't have a care in the world. Love was all around me and I inhaled it's sweet scent deeply, like the scent of fresh goodies in a bakery. Mmmm...delicious. I wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world, but my adulthood responsibilities doubled when they came around. I had more than myself to look after, care about and love. Do I love myself? You bet I do. I have always said that I could never commit suicide...I love myself too much. It's true. I may not love myself as much as I used to, but I still love me enough to keep on keeping on in this cruel, ugly, but mostly beautiful and sensible world.

There are two things in the world that can give you strength to carry on when things get you down. They both begin with the letter H. One of them is happiness. The other is hope. Hope is a wonderful thing, yet at the same time it can be defeating. You can see a brighter future full of magic and wonder with hope. It can lift your spirits when they are dashed upon the rocks of despair. When it is true, it can be a kick-starter for happiness. But it can also fill you with dread and possibly put you right back on those rocks if the hope is unfulfilled.

There is snow on the ground. The kids are sledding, building snow men, making snow angels, and tossing snow balls. It is enough of a happy thing to raise my spirits. They can raise my spirits with their youthful innocence and beauty. I know they can, and they do.

But nevertheless, I do hope. And I do miss.