Last Night

11:26.

That means it's really 11:16. Ten minute leeway on the morning alarms and all...

Sigh. I had been laying in bed for nearly two hours. I was really tired when I crawled under the sheet and double blankets that, at first were pulled up to my chin but are now currently pulled down mid-torso. I've heard the sounds of rain increase and then dwindle to a trickle. I've heard the sounds of the neighborhood dogs being joined by my dogs and a yipping handful of coyotes in a 2-mile radial display of canine operatics. And the cats...I've lost count of the laps they've run on the roof of this trailer. Only thing missing is the puppies whining to go outside, but that will occur at 2:00 a.m. with them refusing to leave the porch because of the rain, no matter how bad they have to go.

I hadn't felt good all day. Not bad enough to not go to work, but bad enough to not want to be there. Feeling like a fever, but not. Body aches that ibuprofen fixes right up. It's like I have Flu Lite. And as I lay here wondering why I'm not in dreamland, I also wonder if I dazily mistook DayQuil for NyQuil...

Slumber finally came upon me. I don't know when it came because I was laying on my back (a position that I rarely take in bed to sleep because the snoring soon wakes even myself up) and therefore couldn't see a clock. But before I slept, I thought. I thought about Christmas and how measly it is going to be this year. I was thinking that I can't afford the luxury of a tree, but I do have the fake ficus that can do the honor this year. Hey, it's a tree and it truly is ever green. Right?

I thought about how this year has been about 70/30 on the crappy/awesome ratio. April saw the demise of a relationship with someone I considered the second love of my life. Why the second? Because, come on, surely the mother of my kids was the first. That doesn't weaken the second love in the least. Nor does it put the first one on an unattainable pedestal. It's merely numerical...but still, I mourned that lost relationship for quite some time. Work? Well, it's work. It isn't perfect, but I love it now like I loved it when I first started.

Personal issues? I never said I was anything else than what I am. I am working on myself. I never said I was a good man. I only said I try.

Money? I don't even wanna talk about it, and that should speak volumes.

Dreams took me. I remember standing on a hillside looking over a valley below that was covered with ice and snow. A little road wove itself through that valley. The headlights of a car glistened off the icy road, disappearing behind sections of the road hidden by frost covered trees. As I stood there watching the lights come and go, I remember someone standing beside me. I don't know who it was, whether it was male or female, or even if the voice I heard speak was audible or in my head.

"Last night."

As soon as the words were spoken, the lights from the car vanished and I was no longer on the hillside. I was in the valley, in the woods. The snow was gone. Flowers were in bloom, trees had sprung forth leaves; new life was everywhere. And those words were still echoing in my head.

Then I awoke...

I had no clue what it meant. I have no idea what it means. I've had plenty of "last nights." Some I'd love to re-live, others I'd like to forget. But I can't do either. I thought that maybe, since I ended up in the woods with new life springing forth all around me, that perhaps a period of darkness was over; the last night of hurting; a last night of rejection; a last night of worry...all of that was coming to an end, replaced by the newness of something else.

There was something else I thought about before drifting off to sleep again. What if it meant it was my last night? What would I do if it was? I know one thing, first and foremost that I would do. Everyone I love would be fully aware that I love them. Those that I don't love as much? They would be made aware of that too. Would I change anything? If so, it wouldn't be much. Changing things always seems to come too late. It wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I've had hyper-realistic dreams or gut feelings before. Nothing's ever come from them, but when it happens, it seems so real, like it is something I can feel or at least do something about to either make it happen or prevent from happening. Perhaps this "last night" is a thought from deep within, a hope, a wish, a dream, a premonition of positivity and luck, from myself, to myself.

But then, perhaps it was just the nighttime flu medicine messing with my head...it's not as romantic, but it's much more believable. :-)