Dream a Little Dream

I just woke up in my computer chair. That’s nothing new. I do it all the time. There’s a short little video clip (somewhere here in one of the many boxes that contain my life) that my ex took of me doing that very thing. My fingers are on the keyboard, I am sitting upright, and my head is turned up waiting for flies to crawl into. It is something that really made me laugh, seeing myself doing something that I knew I did from a third person’s point of view.

This time, I woke up with my hands on the armrests of this comfortable computer chair; the same one I was sitting in for that video. I had been dreaming. I barely remember my dreams after waking unless I write down what was going on soon after I wake up. In this dream, I was at a store (I’m pretty sure it was a home-improvement store, because I have been assessing the things that need to be done here…things that have to be done…and I think there were things in my buggy for working on the house). While shopping, I got a phone call from a friend. This friend is someone who I have only known a short time, but grew close to really fast. I don’t really remember the entire phone conversation, but near the end of it, I was hearing that she never wanted to see me again. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I really took it hard. I tried to think of what I had done to push her away, to make her not want to even be around me. I couldn’t think of one thing. At the end of the conversation, after I had hung up, I saw her walking across the parking lot waving good-bye to me. I waved and then turned around to the trunk of my bus (trunk? My bus doesn’t have a trunk…), put my face in my hands and cried. I woke up from this dream with tears on my face.

Dreams. They are strange to me. A mix of true life and fantasy. A mix of daily activities and sub-conscious thoughts. A bit of what you show to others and some of what you keep inside. Some say that dreams really mean something, that usually there is a message to be taken from them. I mean, there are scientists and psychiatrists who base their entire careers upon the dreams of others. I just say they are dreams, something that your mind takes and makes a little Hollywood production out of. I have had dreams that are so goofy that are filled with things that just don’t make sense or are things that I have never even done or probably will never do. I have had dreams that are light and flowery, the ones you wake up to and try to go back to sleep to keep on dreaming. I have had dreams so scary that I wake up frightened and do what I can to keep from going back to sleep. I have even had dreams that make me question my own morality; dreams of depraved sexuality or murderous intent…

I don’t know what to make of this latest dream. This friend of mine hasn’t told me that she never wants to see me again. But I was told over the phone that there wasn’t enough time in her life for seeing anyone right now, that maybe God was pointing her in another direction. I don’t have any reason to disbelieve her. I don’t have any reason to hate or despise her…and I don’t on both counts. I want her to be happy. I believe that people need to be happy with themselves and the choices they make, to put their own priorities in front of what other people want, and this includes my own priorities and choices as well.

Like I said, I barely remember my dreams. But there are some that I can’t get rid of. When I was a child and staying at my grandma’s house, I remember hearing a Whippoorwill singing late at night. I thought it sounded spooky, like a spirit lost in the woods trying to find its way back to its body. I’m pretty sure it led to the dream I had that night. I was lying in my bed and I saw this figure walking towards me. I couldn’t tell what it was, whether it was a person or a monster. When it got close to the side of my bed, I could see what it was; a skeleton reaching out to me, not touching me, but it had a pointing finger in my face. Even though I was probably five years old at the time, I still remember that dream.

More recently (and I have blogged about this on my MySpace blog) though, the one dream that I distinctly remember was not scary, but I woke up more or less scratching my head. In this dream, I was in a house with many rooms. The house was full of scantily clad or even naked women. Some had faces of women that I knew, some that I didn’t know, some that are in the public eye, and some didn’t even have faces at all, just blurry features as so not to be able to tell who they were. As I went from room to room, a new sexual experience awaited me. I was doing things that I have done, things that I have thought about, and even things that pushed me to the edge of sexual self-indulgence. I woke up in a stupor, wondering just where in the hell that came from. What part of my brain held these thoughts, even if some were thoughts that I never think of, things that I would never do. It made me question my own immorality. I just know that I am not that depraved…

Dreams usually come from reality. They come from deep inside of us, and also from influences outside of us. I will admit that there is a chance they could have a meaning that we can interpret and put to use in our lives. Relationships with friends, family, lovers, or even enemies; choices to be made in which direction to take; answers to questions we have…all could be answered in dreams. I don’t put too much faith in that, but it is possible. Love and matters of the heart? I do believe that dreams could tell us something. Especially for us that love means a lot too. I once had a friend put a caption at the bottom of a painting he had made that said, “Love does not exist but in the minds of poets and dreamers.” I am both. I have many poems written on the subject of love inspired by dreams. Here is one of them…a little cheesy, but nonetheless…

Dreamland

There is a place I’d like to be,
in a mystical place beside the sea.
Just you and me in this place I see.
And ever and ever we will be…

…One together, two apart;
Two in body, one in heart.
And never again shall we part.

We will dance in the shadows of a summer moon
and in the light of the dying sun.
We will dance to the beat of each other’s hearts.
We will dance till our dance is done.

We will laugh together,
learn together,
live together,
love together.
We will be for each other
and not another.

This place can be real to you,
as real as it seems to me.
But it’s nothing more than fanciful dreams
if you are not here with me.

These dreams can come true
if you just take my hand in yours.
We can go to this place
to dream a dream
and dance on sandy shores.

I don’t know if I will dream again tonight. I might. I might not. It isn’t something planned. It just happens. Just like things in real life. Unplanned things happen, things that are just out of our control. But, if you really believe in this stuff that happens, just like in dreams, you can take what happens and put it to use; use it to make a change in your direction, to make a change in yourself. I do believe in that. I really do. I am trying to live it right now. I know that I want to take the mistakes I have made in the past and put them to use in my future, to ensure that those things don’t happen again; or if the occurrences are good, use them to make the future brighter for myself and for my children.

It is oh, so late. I must get to bed. And possibly dream…