Grasping at Stars

The sky is dark. The lights of my bus reflect on those reflective bumps they put on the road to show the edges and middle lines (so thankful they are on this back road to my house…it is so dark out here). I’m almost home. Up in the sky are the stars. Earlier, the moon was hovering above the tree line, just a reddish sliver looking like an abnormally huge comma. I know, the stars have always been there, I’ve seen them before, and I’m sure to see them again. They aren’t going anywhere. Unlike lots of things in life, they will be there for a long time. They’ll be there long after you and I are gone. They are everlasting. Most places, the light pollution is so bad that the stars are these dim dots trying to shine through the haze rising from the horizon to the middle of the sky, but tonight, out here in the middle of nowhere, and especially looking east towards the start of the Smoky Mountains, I saw them as bright dots against a blue-black background, as pinpoints of light through a dark canvas. They were so bright, so much bigger than I remember, that I thought I could almost reach up and grab one, take it and hold it in my hand as a light in the dark, a source of warmth in this cold place of desperation, comfort in this evil world of despair. I thought I could reach for a star, but it is impossible; it is something I can never have.

The past few days have been days of darkness. The sun has shone brightly; the weather has been perfect, warm in fact. The nights have been a little chilly, but not as cold as it has been. But the bright sun and the nice weather have done nothing to bust through this feeling of loneliness that has clouded my heart like a cold, damp fog. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way after so many days of feeling like things have gotten better? I still am reeling financially. That will take a while to rise above. But I am rising, that I feel. I have friends that are there for me. I haven’t heard from some in a while, so when some of the “old-school” friends contacted me in the past few weeks, I was almost shocked. Some hadn’t even heard of what is going on in my life now. Some didn’t even know of my Great and Terrible D. But each and every one of them had the same words for me; “You can call me anytime. Anything you need, I’ll be there”. Of course that felt great.

Emotionally, I am a train wreck. I have had and lost so many times. I am tired of it. Just when I think that I have found something that I can hold onto, something that will last for more than just a few weeks, something that will warm this heart of stone, fingertips just inches from that star…out the window it goes. I like my job, but I’m tired of having to go in on my day off just to live, just to have the money needed for the things I need, let alone the things I want. On Friday, I was there; feeling like the world was against me, feeling all alone all over again. I was folding some cleaning rags from the dryer and I just couldn’t hold back the emotion that had been pushing itself out all morning. I tried to hold back the waterworks, but I just couldn’t. I am a man, for crying out loud. Men aren’t supposed to show this kind of emotion. But there I was, with red and watery eyes and hoping no one would walk in and see me that way. And someone did. Luckily, it was someone who is going through her own personal hell, so to see me that way was ok…I had seen her that way too.

I spent a lot of time by myself this weekend. I had hoped to spend a part of it with somebody, someone who I have grown to like a whole lot. But I understand partly of why I couldn’t. I am not one to stand in the way of someone and their time with family, their time with friends, their time at work, and their time alone. I can’t make someone be with me, this I know. Time is everything…time is nothing. I know that time doesn’t stand still. It keeps on ticking away, pushing the future into the present, making the present become the past. I don’t want to be a part of this special person’s past. I want to be a part of her present, a part of her future…but in doing so, I will become a part of her past…weird how that turns out, huh? I am patient. I can wait as long as it takes for time to pass and more time to be created for togetherness. It can’t be only something that I want; it has to come from both sides. So, if the stars that I try to reach align themselves, if the mirror reflects the same image I am looking for, if and only what if…if that happens, I want her to know that I am right here, exactly where I was and need to be. You hear me?

Grabbing for stars. The unreachable heights that no one can attain. Reaching out for something that I can never have. Reminds me of a Nine Inch Nails song. The song is pretty soft, for a song by a band that has dark lyrics and carries the label of “industrial” music. I’ve always liked them. I haven’t listened to them much lately, but they are on my computer, and a song pops up every now and then while iTunes randomly plays whatever song is next…

Something I Can Never Have – Nine Inch Nails

i still recall the taste of your tears

echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears

my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore

scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore

come on tell me

make this all go away

you make this all go away

i'm down to just one thing and i'm starting to scare myself

make this all go away

you make this all go away

i just want something

i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how

back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now

this is slowly taking me apart

grey would be the color if i had a heart

i just want something i can never have

in this place it seems like such a shame

though it all looks different now, i know it's still the same

everywhere i look you're all i see

just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be

come on tell me

make this all go away

you make this all go away

i'm down to just one thing and i'm starting to scare myself

make this all go away

you make this all go away

i just want something

i just want something i can never have

think i know what you meant

that night on my bed

still picking at this scab

i wish you were dead

you sweat and perry ellis

just stains on my sheets

Not all the lyrics, mind you, pertain to my mood (and oh, so not the “I wish you were dead” ones…don’t wish that on anyone) but the whole “something I can never have” speaks to me. I know all about that. Like the person in the movie whose fingers are just touching the tip of the keys to get them out of the cell they are trapped in, touching them, moving them with fingertips and pushing them further away with every attempt…that I know about.

Never will I be able to reach those stars. They are just too far away. Now, the moon, though…it’s a little closer. I wonder…I wonder if I get my step ladder…hmmm