The Great and Terrible D

Just under two days, folks. In less time than I realize, I will no longer be Mr. Barefoot. No, that’s not right. I will always be Mr. Barefoot. I just won’t be the Mr. Barefoot to a Mrs. Barefoot. Not a husband, not an income contributor, not anything but who I am. Single. I haven’t been single for over 13 years. It’s going to be weird. I don’t know what is waiting for me out there in this great big world. It is scary. Be brave, old man…

Divorce. The Great and Terrible D.

Not a welcome thing, I can tell you that much. I don’t want it; I never did. But, here it is nonetheless. I know I will survive. It’s not like it’s a death sentence. Life will go on. But, it is a death sentence in other ways. The marriage is put in a plain pine wood box and placed six feet under. All the things that remind me of the times as a married man will be placed in a plastic tote and buried deep in storage. Wedding album and pictures, wedding ring, pictures of us together, letters and cards…all bring back memories. At least for some period of time, I want them gone…out of sight, out of mind. I don’t want them around me to be a constant reminder of what has been lost. The love for my wife (oops, I mean ex-wife) will forever be hanging around like a benign ghost…dead, but residing in my mind, and still welcomed. I don’t think I want to chase that ghost away.

Destruction. The Great and Terrible D.

My family, at least as a whole unit, living under the same roof, is destroyed. There are days together with my kids, and days apart. What hurts the most is me knowing the reason that they have to leave my house in the first place (refer to original Great and Terrible D). When you are used to having your loved ones with you every day for years and years, seeing them go away forever, or even if only for a few days, …well, it hits you hard. If you care about them, it does.

Destiny. The Great and Terrible D.

I’m not a big believer in destiny; that what happens to you is what is supposed to happen to you, your future is destined to be what it will be. I know that you have to make your life what you want it to be. I had what I wanted. I now have to decide what it is that I want and make it happen. I have to get off my lazy, Cancer ass (if I wait long enough, something good will happen!) and do something about it.

Determination. The Great and Terrible D.

I am determined to never make the same mistakes again. Never again will I take for granted that things are going just fine. My eyes have to be open and scanning for any signs of unhappiness and my ears must listen to what is being said for the sake of future relationships. My brain must be able to decipher what my eyes and ears take in and make the right decisions based upon that information. I will notice when my partner is not happy and do something about it sooner than later. I am determined to keep in constant communication, something that I didn’t do soon enough in my marriage.

Dreams. The Great and Terrible D.

All the old ones have been dreamed. They have been used up. One thing is for sure; dreams are not life. They are what they are, just dreams. They fade away into mist when you arise from slumber. But dreams make their way into everyday life in the form of new ideas, new directions, and new feelings. New dreams await this dreamer.

Difference. The Great and Terrible D.

I’m going to make a difference. A difference in my heart, in my life, in my outlook on life. I can’t go around with this pall cloud of gloom hanging over my head forever. It’s just not who I am. I hate this person. Sunny one day, cloudy and gloomy the next…sort of like the weather around these parts. Well, I’m looking for a new weather forecaster…one who says it’s going to be sunny and it actually is sunny. There is going to be a change. It’s going to get better.

Reach out, hands in the air,
Don't care just what they're saying
Hold out, just keep on hoping against hope
That it's gonna get better
Don't worry, there's no hurry for you, for me,
Everything's gonna come around
Shout out, someone will listen to you, to me,
Someone's gonna see

He calls me over and, calls me brother and I know
always fighting and moonlighting and, well it never ends
in the city, if you're all alone
there's a sister and she's standing next to her man
in the darkness you feel the sharpness of steel
and it's always there, in the city, and you're all alone

So reach out, hands in the air,
Don't care just what they're saying
Hold out, just keep on hoping against hope
That it's gonna get better
Don't worry, there's not hurry for you, for me,
Everything's gonna come around
Shout out, someone will listen to you, to me,
Someone's gonna see...

If it's gonna get better, it starts with a feeling
If it's gonna get better, it's gonna take time
If it's gonna get better, we gotta start now
cause I know, everybody can feel it
and I know, everybody will see it
cause it shows, and that shows I'm not dreaming
cause you know, and I know, it's time for a change

-Genesis, Things Are Going to Get Better

Aren't they?