What I Got

“I complained about having no shoes until I met a man who had no feet”- Unknown*

I’ve never had it so good. Life could never be better for me than it is right now. I am full of joy and happiness, overflowing with love from family, friends, and relationships. Life is good.

Am I being sarcastic? Maybe a little bit, but let me be real here…no, not really. Things aren’t as good as they could be. I wouldn’t miss worrying each week about where the money is going to come from to pay for the essentials. Gas and food, which are my main expenditures beyond rent and utilities, has done nothing but raise in price. I could do without missing people that I have known for nearly a lifetime, and others known only for a minute. I could not be healthy…I could hang on to every day with the knowledge that an ailment could result in death or a life of pain and misery. But I do worry, I do miss people, I do wonder what medical condition could pop its head up at any moment.

Here we go again with the money woes. History has a way of repeating itself. No matter that I try to be careful in what I spend. Nothing goes into the frivolous expenditures. I try to stretch each dollar for what is needed; gas, food, utilities, rent, small things for my kids. I went camping last weekend. The gas used was not that much. I filled up in Ooltewah for about $30 and it lasted until I was nearly home again two days later. I did buy some groceries, but nothing that I couldn’t use at home if it didn’t get used while camping. That is where I could have waited. Little did I know that there was plenty of food brought by others to serve all of us in our little circle of campers. I spent more than I should have. $66 for food for the weekend and for the week? It doesn’t seem like a lot, does it? It could have waited until this week if I had known that I wouldn’t even use a little of the food I took. So…with the money used to buy groceries…I used more than I thought I had in the bank. Once again, overdraft fees have wiped me out. I can’t take it anymore. I didn’t mean to do it; it was a mistake. Yet it was a mistake that was my own fault, nobody else’s. Blah, blah, blah…enough about that.

I do miss people. Some have been in my life since I was born. Others I have met through the years, some in childhood, some in college and some after that. Others I have only known a short while. I miss them all. It is partly my fault, this missing of people I care about. Shoot, I have family in town that I rarely ever see. For 15 years I lived less than 3 miles from family and visited them only several times a year. I blame myself for not having enough time to spend with them. I blame myself for not taking the initiative to just stop by, to call, to keep in contact with them. But every relationship is a two-way street, whether it is with family, friends, or loved ones. Communication must flow in both directions to keep traffic flowing consistently. In all that time, they made contact with me just as much as I did with them…which is hardly enough contact to call a relationship.

I’m pretty healthy. I don’t wake up every day with back pain. I don’t have to take medication on a daily basis just to keep my blood sugar stable or to manage pain. I’m not on dialysis or chemotherapy. I must admit that I do some things that are considered unhealthy. I ummm…imbibe every now and then upon some God-given, naturally occurring, medicinal quality-like, earth-grown leafy substances. I smoke cigarettes (tried to quit, trying to quit, will try to quit…done it all). I don’t exercise as often as I should. But I feel good. I am losing weight. I blame it on stress and a change in eating habits. Near the beginning of this year, I entered a weight-loss program at work. I didn’t do so well. Of course, the program was in the wintertime of the year, where statistically speaking, weight loss is nearly impossible for me. I’m the opposite of a bear; I lose most of my weight in the summer, and put it back on during hibernation. But I don’t want to put it back on this time. I am down to 205 lbs. from 225 lbs. at the beginning of this year. My clothes don’t fit me anymore. If I don’t wear a belt with my pants or shorts, after a minute of walking, they start to travel downwards and would end up around my ankles if I let them. My goal is to get to 195 lbs. I can do it.

I guess I could complain about my woes into eternity. I do have it bad, so much that I can’t stand it. I am listening to some dark music with some dark thoughts and overtones. I can’t say that I have dark thoughts. Some pretty woeful ones, but not those deep, dark ones that take you to the point of not coming back. I could complain a lot. But you know, at least I have a place to live. Rent is hard to come by, but there are people who don’t have a home. They are living in boxes, on benches, in alleyways without even a blanket to keep them warm. At least I do have food on my shelves. Some go without food on a daily basis (well, I have skipped meals myself, but that was by choice, and there is food there if I want it). I do have friends that stand by me. I don’t know what I would do if some of them weren’t around to give comfort, give financial help, give a shoulder to cry on. I want to give back and one day I will be able to. I am trying to keep in contact with family as well. Support comes with many faces…might as well look at them all. And my heart…my heart is still wary, hiding behind the wall I have erected. The wall has a few holes that have been worn into it. The heart hiding behind it is visible, possibly even wanting to tear down that wall, become brave enough to let someone in to hold it and to do some holding itself. Do I hear knocking?

In reality, I do have shoes. I have feet to put them on. I have a vehicle to put gas in. I have a job. I do have it pretty good, I guess. Just little things wear me down to the point of not caring, to the point of not feeling like I can handle it, to the point of just wanting to give up. I got a little reminder of just how good I do have it, despite all my worries. This weekend, I saw someone who I only see at certain VW shows/campouts. I don’t remember his name, and that doesn’t really matter…I call him “Hat Man”. He sets up a booth and sells stickers, shirts, patches…and lots and lots of hats. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, so we get to talking about our lives. I tell him what has happened in my life since the last time we saw each other. I tell him how hard it has been just trying to make it. He listens patiently till I am done, tells me that he knows how hard divorce is, how hard financial troubles can be, then just as nonchalant as he can be, says, “I have bone cancer”. I shrunk to the size of a slug, and I felt like one as well. He doesn’t know how long he has, he just is thankful for each day. He is in pain, a pain that I can’t even imagine. When your bones hurt…you know the saying “Hurts me to the bone”? He is living it. He believes, just like I do, that things happen for a reason. He told me he is still waiting to find out the reason behind his ailment. If he doesn’t know yet, I certainly don’t know either. Time will tell. I just hope he has enough time to find out what it is. I hope to see him next May when this show occurs again. Maybe he can tell me then.

I just gotta keep on keepin’ on. Things come and go in cycles. The rich can end up poor. The healthy can end up sick. The homeowner can end up on the streets. Sometimes all of those things come back around again. The poor get wealthy, the sick are cured, and the homeless are sheltered once again. Time is the component that completes the story, makes the circle whole, shores up the castle walls, does with us what it will.

And just because I found a man without any feet, that doesn’t mean that having no shoes wouldn’t suck. It sure would.



*Historically attributed to Confucius. Also by R.W. Emerson