Forever Music

Face Down by the Katie Todd Band is the background music randomly selected by iTunes right now. She is singing, “Peace of mind is all I want. I wanna make some time for wasting”. Sounds good to me; peace of mind and time for wasting makes sense. For your life to be at peace, your mind must be peaceful. Too much strife and worry needs to be replaced by a peaceful, easy feeling (ala The Eagles) in my mind right now. And there is no time for wasting. It seems that every minute of my day is occupied by something that has to be done. Work from early morning to late afternoon, take kids to bus stop and retrieve them from same, pack up stuff in boxes for moving from this Haunted Mansion…it leaves no time for just wasting. The only real relaxing time I get is sitting in front of this glowing screen, hand on the mouse or fingers tapping frantically on the keyboard, putting thoughts into things.

The music changes again. Enigma’s Out From the Deep is telling me, “That’s why we are here…to learn to love, to learn how to live…to avoid the mistake we made”. I know I made mistakes; mistakes that I am sure to do my best to avoid in the future. I thought I knew how to love and how to live. I’m sure I do, but a refresher course couldn’t hurt things at all. Love and life are things that need and also give daily reminders of just what they are and how to go about keeping them both functioning as they should. Love withers and dies without reassurance and affirmation from both sides of a relationship, and life just seems empty without the complimentary uplift that love can bring to it. Thinking about that right now…maybe that’s why I am here, where I am right now, to re-learn how to love, to once again learn how to live…and avoid the mistakes that got me to the here and now.

This music is soothing…I love listening to it while doing anything. Driving, working, writing; I listen to music 24/7. It has a way of imbedding its mood into you, searching around inside until it finds and melds with its mirror mood to move and groove you, to haunt and calm you. It attaches strings to your heart and places a time travel machine in your brain, takes you to places you’ve been and places you dream of. I love it. Music also remembers the who’s and where’s of your life. Certain songs and lyrics from songs remind you of good times, good friends, past love and future hope.

Forever will it be…Girl I Wanna Lay You Down by ALO…ring tone on my phone devoted to someone special. It was the song that drew me into that band, so that meaning will always be there too…I won’t give it away, won’t give it another meaning than what it means to me. I promise.

Forever it will be…Leave It by Yes…taking me back to my early teen years. MTV was only a few years old and they still played music videos. I didn’t have cable or even the massive satellite dishes that those with money had standing in their yards like a shrine to the heavens. I only saw this video while spending time with a friend who had the luxury of piped-in television. I remember the band members standing in a line, singing the song, and then the screen would stretch them in all directions and continue to do so throughout the song. The song links me to my first times of “funny cigarettes”, trying my hand at dipping snuff (more like practicing throwing up), and the giddy feeling of sneaking into R rated movies. Seeing boobies on the big screen…good times.

Forever it will be…Purple Rain by Prince…my ex loved (does she still?) this musical genius. Genius? Yes, I think he is. Others may think he is this prissy-pompadoured-midget of a man that just so happened to make the girls crazy. He may be that. But he is also a master of the musical arts. This song reminds me of another time as well…back to my very first Phish show in Knoxville back in ’93. I’ve mentioned it before, but here I go again. Not only did they play Rocky Top (for those Vols phreaks) but when the first strains of Purple Rain rode over the waves of revelers, the goose-bumps that had already been making my hair stand on end increased to where I thought the little hairs would be pushed out…and the look of complete and utter joy on her face. I like to think they won her heart that day. I know they already had mine.

Forever it will be…every song on Meddle by Pink Floyd and all early albums by The Moody Blues...LSD infused Greyhound bus trip to Kansas City, KS. Early a.m. dosing just as I got into my seat surrounded by other travelers who were, oh, so clueless about the journey I was about to take. Taking hits off my cigarette look-alike one-hitter walking on the streets near the bus stop in St. Louis during a layover, and actually getting away with it. I think I was too messed up to even care…everything was bliss. I think one young kid knew what was going on. He volunteered to make sure I got on the next bus when the time came. He even gave me a home-made lighter. Seeing the trees spin and dance as we speedily passed them on the highway, their arms slowly turning as we came up to them, then hurriedly throwing them the other way as we passed. Whew…what a trip that was.

Forever it will be…The Reason by Hoobastank…just recently learned to love (but not necessarily love to listen to) this song. I might be mistaking understanding for love, but it makes me think about me, my life, and the things that got me where I am this day. A single, mostly lonely, divorced man. It makes me look at reasons and why’s and how’s and what could have been and what to do in the future. Mainly what to do to avoid the past and what the reason is to make sure it doesn’t happen again. It speaks to me. It really does…

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

I once said that I will take with me to the grave the regret of what I lost. I would mourn that loss till the day I died. I meant it. That doesn’t mean that I will let it haunt me to the end of my days. But it will always be in my mind. Maybe not out in front for all to see. It will be hidden deep in the nether recesses for me to know and understand that the reason for me to make a change is because of what I had lost. I don’t ever want to lose that again, once it is found. It will become a part of who I am, just like my love of music.

Forever music. It will always be a part of me. I can’t help it. I’ve always loved it, I always will.

Ahhh…Lovin’ Cup by Phish. What a song to end this time in front of this glowing screen. “Oh, what a beautiful buzz…”