Keep the Change

I can feel the warmth of the campfire making the soles of my shoes soft. I should probably move them before they start to drip gooey drops of fine German engineered footwear into the fire pit. I should move my feet but I'm so comfortable and I'm sure my shoes won't melt anytime soon. It sounds like many others are still awake and enjoying this crisp and cool Autumn evening. A few short hours ago, this fire pit was burning tall and bright, encircled by old and new friends laughing and mingling and holding cozy koozies. Things were passed around. Things in jars that tasted like cherries, apple pie, peaches, and fire. Things that required fire. Now, it's just me and a few others trading out yawns and holding on to the remaining minutes of the day as the fire burns lower. 

All of this feels like it was yesterday. It should have been yesterday; it should have been this past weekend, because this past weekend I was sad. If it had been yesterday, I wouldn't be writing this today. I was supposed to be somewhere this past weekend, at a VW event I haven't missed in over 15 years. I was supposed to be hanging out with like-minded people; people who have become as close to me as my own family. I was supposed to be sitting around the fire, in danger of melting my shoes.

Why didn't I go? I could blame it all on money. I could afford it. It's less than $40 for myself and my kids to spend the weekend there. Of course there's gas to buy, but it's only a few hours away. There's food and play money too, but that's just a little extra. It would be close, but easily done. I could say that my kids are just not that into VW shows like they used to be. But it's more than the show. It's camping by a river; it's feeling the camaraderie of people that are there for the same reason you are; it's time away from home. That's something they're still into. I could say that I wasn't sure if I was even going to go, that I wasn't ready for it, that work and school hampered my efforts to make plans to be there. I could say all these things and there'd be a tiny bit of truth in it. But it's closer to the truth to blame it on change.

I usually go into everything I have an interest in with a fiery passion. When I first got into the VW scene, I tried to do it all. I would try to hit every campout and show or cruise-in I could. It became more than just a hobby; it was a lifestyle. Not that driving a simple vehicle was too far a step away from my personality. I don't need a fancy car, and a VW Bus is far from fancy. My current car sure isn't fancy. It's the gutless wonder, gas-saving little sibling of the Zoom-Zoom family.

I do still love my Bus. I can't wait for the day when I have him back on the road. I still love going to VW shows and campouts. I will be hitting a few of them up in the next few months. I look forward to them. So what's changed? It doesn't sound like anything has changed. I can't even tell if I've changed without being told. But I think that there's definitely something. It's subtle. It's low-key. It's inner and quiet and almost invisible. I think it is me.

I've been working on me for a long time. Physical aspects are one thing. It's been a life-long battle with keeping my body in the shape I want it to be in. Not the way others think I should be; not the way the biased media thinks I should be; but the way I want me to be. I rarely win this battle, but I'm on the offensive and actually winning for now. Mentally? I don't think I will be where I want, when I want. I think I'm where I should be, but who's to say where that is? I certainly don't know if I'm even supposed to know when I'm where I want to be, but I have a feeling that I will just know. Ya know? Let me tell you, my last real relationship that ended (and the way it ended) really left its mark on my heart and scarred my trust of giving myself, wholly, to anyone. I know your attitudes and feelings should not be dependant upon the actions of others, but it's so hard to not let that happen. Truly, it wasn't just the last failed relationship, it was the culmination of a short string of failed relationships that was the mortar in my wall. I haven't used this wall to keep anyone away (anyone is free to look over and even visit) but I believe it's part of my attempt to work on me; to make sure I know who I am. Honestly, I haven't even so much as gone out on a date in almost a year. Yes, I've met up with some fine women, but they were not bona fide dates. I'm sure that if they're reading this, they'd agree. I hope...

So, on Friday, I was sad. Thoughts of times past and time passed and changes that occur...and knowing I was missing something I didn't want to miss. I knew my friends were already there or on their way. Pictures posted to Facebook were bound to be showing up on my wall throughout the weekend. But the choice to miss out had been made and I planned on getting things done here at the house and do a little fun thing with my kids. The little fun thing ended up being a drive up to Chilhowee and a hike to the waterfalls on Saturday. It was simple, family fun. And that night, I had my own little fire in my fire pit. I kept my shoes far away from this one, though.

Sunday, we tackled a long-overdue job: cleaning out the kids' room and another room with boxes filled with pieces of the past. Things brought from my old house, packed away in haste to be gone through at a later date. I've attempted to do this job numerous times, but you know how rummaging through pieces of your past goes...ADHD takes over. It takes perseverance and a touch of ruthless tenacity to not get distracted by what you find. It's easier with the help of another person. My daughter kept me on track, and we took out a rather large chunk of memories to the donation center and got another step closer to making that room full of memories into her new bedroom.

That's change. Letting go of something that just might be subliminaly holding back the progress you thought you were making. That's exactly what I've been trying to achieve; progress in my life, something more than just the obvious physical changes, something on a deeper level; getting my heart and soul back on a level where I can be free to trust, to live without fear of hurt, to know that even if I fail and fail again, that it will be okay. Because even after what's happened before in my life, I'm still here after all.

And that's change I can keep.