Free Fall

"Open up your parachute, something's got to stop the free fall." -The Shins

I can't imagine what it's like to fall from great heights, with gravity's force pulling me down to Earth, impending doom only seconds away and the only thing preventing the "splat" is faith bundled up in a pack strapped to my back. The way I see it, there's absolutely no reason to purposefully put myself into a free fall. When I was young and restless in Florida, there was a jump center close to our house, no more than 5 miles away. It was so neat to see the parachutes floating to earth, mere specks in the sky, growing bigger as they got closer to Earth, ever spiraling as they floated with the graceful maneuvers of magic in a child's eye. At times, the spectacle would last all day. I would always wish to float like that, but never wanted the fall that preceded the float.

Just last summer, I took my kids to Six Flags over Georgia. They have a free fall ride there that my son wanted to ride. So, I told him I'd ride with him. As we were standing in line, the ride rose and fell a number of times, giving us a preview of what to expect. It gave my son enough time to determine that he didn't want to ride it after all. I told him to go on it was fine, but that I was going to ride it. I did. I can tell you now that I probably won't again. My heart; shoot, my entire insides were in my throat. Not fun.

We've all experienced the "falling" dream. You know what I mean. Perhaps you started off with the "flying" dream. I do. My flight usually involves flapping of the arms for liftoff, not like Superman, who just takes off lightning fast. No, I take off with the lumbering grace of Grandpa Joe and Charlie in the Fizzy Lifting Drink room of Wonka's chocolate factory. Flap, flap...whee! But the fall is not so clumsy. It's a scary free fall which stops before impact with an abrupt wakeup. They say if you hit the ground in your dreams, you actually die. How would they know? If you die, you wouldn't be able to say that you were falling in your dream. I surely don't know. I always wake up.

I've fallen many times. I remember landing on a small stump on my back after falling off of a tire swing into an area of our yard that we had just pruned. I remember falling out of the 2nd floor of a barn when I foolishly decided to use myself as the weight to hoist a large wooden cart on a pulley system and landing on said cart. I remember standing in the bed of a truck that abruptly moved forward. I didn't. Monkey bars? Check. Stepladder? Check. Tree? You bet. Surprisingly, in all of these cases, I was left virtually unharmed, but gasping for air with a diaphragm that just didn't want to work. I was left breathless. That feeling of not being able to take a breath is the worst feeling, somewhat like I'd imagine drowning would feel like.

Physically falling can inflict great damage upon your body. Break a bone here, suffer a minor concussion there, massive internal injuries and bruising...there's only so much your body can take. Sometimes the fall can be so great, so traumatic, that you don't recover. Kaput. The end. All done.  Metaphorically falling can cause damage not as traumatic, but still enough to hurt. We fall into traps. We fall for tricks. We fall into complacency. We fall for someone's lies. We fall in line. We fall for someone's eyes. We fall from grace. We fall in love...

It's so simple to do, that last bit there.

I fall way too easy. I think it's because I already have a huge capacity to love that it's just a small jump from loving to falling in love. I love loving, but fear it at the same time. That's not to say that I fall for the first doe-eyed beauty that says, "Stop following me." There certainly has to be an attraction; an attraction much more than looks alone to start with. Is it a blessing or a curse to have a heart that loves so much? My personal history has proven to me that the easier it is to love somebody, that greater the pain when that love is lost. To have loss happen every time gets so disheartening and so tiring.

I'm tired of the chase. I'm tired of the fall. I'm tired of the taste of rejection.  For just once, I'd like something good to last forever. I'm 45 years old. The number of women I've either dated or have been in a relationship with still won't take all my fingers to count. There's still two thumbs way, way up before I have to start using my little piggies. Truthfully, I don't want it to get that far. I don't even want to get to the one that goes to market. I know that number is pretty low compared to the norm. I'm a shy guy. I'm a cautious guy. I try to take my time because I want to be sure the pursuit is worth the fall. But being shy and careful takes a back seat once I'm convinced and focused.

I watched a short video yesterday of clips from a friend's recent wedding. I first met him when he was married to someone else. At the time, so was I. We were different couples, living hours apart, but we shared some interests and one other thing: Love for our respective partners. We did things together. We went to VW shows, camped in freezing weather, and even took a week-long trip to the Florida Keys. But like it usually seems to happen, time went by, and we lost touch for the most part. I remember when my marriage was ending, he gave me comfort through words of support. Little did I know that his marriage was in dire straits too. Pretty soon, I learned that his had ended as well.

Second chances are something that most of us don't get. Second chances are something that most of us don't give. Second chances are also something some don't take. If you recognize it for what it is, take it; take it when it's offered to you, because that's a gift from the Universe.

Yesterday, I saw second chance love. I saw two people who had fallen from their own respective broken love brought together by healing love. I saw this love in their eyes. I saw it in their actions; their touch; their embrace; their kiss that sealed the deal. I saw it and with that 12 minute look into their life starting anew, I saw hope. And hope floats.

Maybe second chance will happen. In fact, I'm pretty sure it will. I'll fall once again. I feel it. I know it.