For(n)ever

"Who would have thought forever could be severed by the sharp knife of a short life..." - The Band Perry

Forever is a very long time. Go ahead, start counting. Get back to me when you've reached the end...

You're back? OK, now think about this: When you were a child, waiting for something that you really wanted to happen was forever. Sitting in the doctor's office was forever. Looking forward to Christmas was forever. Waiting in line for your favorite roller coaster was forever. The ticking hands of the schoolroom clock which seemed to sometimes go in reverse was forever. Those same examples could work for an adult too. Except for adults, the concept of forever has a different kind of meaning. You know that forever in the small scale of the human mind is not forever, but forever is for as long as you live. Humans have the tendency to not fully comprehend what forever is. Compared to a star, our lives are mere seconds. Its lifespan is forever compared to that of humans.

As a child, waiting for the sun to sink below the horizon on a Saturday so the television that had been dormant for nearly 24 hours could awake was forever. Neither you nor I had the authority to determine when sundown occurred. No, that was determined by the Adventist Sundown Sundial that only parents saw or could read. On the other hand, Friday's sunset came a whole lot quicker, didn't it? As a child (yes, I was once small), sitting in church was forever. But from sitting there, I remember a story that dealt with the concept of forever. I remember the speaker's name clearly. The story was told by Steve Marshall via a VHS tape as a special feature in church. I remember his name because Steve Martin was pretty popular then and kids can get things confused from time to time. The story went sort of like this: Imagine a huge ball floating in space. Now envision a mosquito flying towards the ball. See it circles a few times, then takes off. It won't return for 1,000 years, so busy yourselves with something productive. When it does return, you watch as it gets closer and closer to then circle the ball again, then watch as it flies away for another 1,000 years. Just keep repeating this cycle without end...that's forever.

In the act of professing love, we use the word "forever" to express the length of time that the love will last. I've heard it before. I've said it before. It feels so good to be told that you will be loved forever. I know it's meant to be true when it's said. I know I mean it when I say it. But since my love won't live beyond my death, the reality is that forever is until my life is over. The only thing that will last beyond the grave will be the memories of my love and the results from loving. I don't know when my end will be, nor do I want to know, but I want know that I've done well; that someone is bettered because of my life.

You wanna know something? It really hurts when forever turns out to be for(n)ever. It hurts bad. I remember little sweet notes written by me and to me that even added time to the end of forever, as if doing so made forever even longer. And it did. It showed the promise of an effort being made to make it last longer than our humanity could ever fathom.

I hate starting all over. But even more so, I hate endings. The end of a book that I just can't seem to put down always leaves me wanting more. Back when I used to watch a whole lot more television then I do now, the end of a season, or worse yet, a series, was a reason to mourn. The end of a life; a friendship; a relationship. I know these things don't always last. Friends forget what it means to be a friend, lovers forget the cohesive properties of communication and what love did to bring them together, and emptiness is created when loved ones are taken from us.

We had another lesson in death and the uncertainty of forever the other night. My cat (and I call her my cat only because I feed her) who had disappeared for a while, showed up about a month ago with five kittens. Yes, I know she needs spayed. But to my credit, she was scheduled for just that when she vanished last time. And now she's gone again. But back to the lesson. When I let my dogs out of their fenced enclosure to run in the fenced-in yard, I make sure to put the kittens on the porch and put up the baby gate. But that doesn't guarantee that the kittens will stay on the porch. I had let the dogs out to run and had gone back inside to get their flea medication when I heard my biggest dog barking. I could tell by the bark that she had cornered a kitten. My son went running outside and I heard him start yelling at the dog. I knew it was bad when I got out there and in the twilight I could see the limp form hanging from her mouth. She had gotten the one that I liked the most; the only one I had named; the one with the stubbiest tail. I had named her a Cherokee name for "rabbit," tsi-s (pronounced "jee-s") because of that bobbed tail and they way she hopped as she ran. My son got the cat from the dog and took her to the porch. He was crying, I was mad, and my daughter was silent. It took quite some time to console my son, who kept asking, "Why, why, why?" over and over. But when he had calmed down, he got a plastic bag and put the kitten in it and deemed we should have a burial.

Side story: We also have birds; a green conure and two parakeets, male and female made he. One morning this last week, I took the cover off of the parakeet cage and the female was lying on the bottom of the cage. She had died in the night. My kids were at their mother's for the week, so I put the bird in a ziplock bag and stuck it in the freezer so they could see her before "disposal." Well, we still hadn't buried her, so my daughter thought it would be a good idea to bury it with the kitten. Enemies in life; partners in death.

So that's what we did. We had a nighttime funeral for a kitten and bird, marked grave and all. I dug the hole, Trey held the deceased animals and a flashlight while I dug, and he was the one to place them in the hole. A burial for the dead is a release for the living to cherish memories given to us from the dead. These memories last forever. The death of a pet...that is also forever.

Not being allowed to listen to the rock and/or roll music as a kid and spending a summer living with relatives exposed me to a lot of country music. I don't hate it; I just really don't like it. Being exposed to it against my will might have swayed my tastes a bit, but there were some that grew on me. One song by Randy Travis says...

"You may think that I'm talking foolish
You've heard that I'm wild and I'm free
You may wonder how I can promise you now
This love, that I feel for you, always will be

You're not just time that I'm killing
I'm no longer one of those guys
As sure as I live this love that I give
Is gonna be yours until the day that I die – oh, baby

I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever, amen
As long as old men sit and talk about the weather
As long as old women sit and talk about old men
If you wonder how long I'll be faithful
I'll be happy to tell you again
I'm gonna love you forever and ever, forever and ever, amen

They say that time takes it's toll on a body
Makes the young girls brown hair turn grey
But honey, I don't care, I ain't in love with your hair
And if it all fell out, well, I'd love you anyway

They say that time can play tricks on a memory, make people forget things they knew
Well, it's easy to see it's happening to me I've already forgotten every woman but you – oh, darling

I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever, amen
As long as old men sit and talk about the weather
As long as old women sit and talk about old men.
If you wonder how long I'll be faithful well, just listen to how this song ends I'm gonna love you forever and ever, forever and ever, amen
I'm gonna love you forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, amen."
-Forever and Ever, Amen

Did I just quote you Randy Travis? You bet I did.

My writing is for me. The things I have to say are for my benefit. It's in my head, I gotta get it out, and using my hands to speak is much easier than using my tongue. I put it out there for the world to see, but it is mine. I can say things that I hope might help others, but it is for me. I can pour it all out and get advice and give advice, but it is mine. I can pointedly talk to you with my heart open wide, but it is for my healing. I can speak directly to you...

I don't know if you read the stuff I write. I only can hope you do. I want you to know something. When I said that I would always love you, that I would love you forever, that was without conditions. It wasn't "I will love you forever, unless..." Nor was it "I will always love you, but..." It wasn't "I'll love you forever if..." It was "I will love you until my last breath. I will love you until my heart no longer beats and my body turns to dust. I will love you forever. Period."

Christianity has taught me that there is a future forever. I believe and look forward to it. Humanity has taught me that life is a cycle, nothing is certain, and hurts will happen. Both have taught me that love does have a fighting chance, forgiveness comes without conditions, drudgery or grudgery, and prayer goes hand in hand with hope and faith. This I truly believe, and will believe.

Forever.