Wandering Words from Brew Bus and Beyond

The echoes of the music faded into the dark of night as I slowly made my way back to my bus, my home in the woods for the weekend. The past two days have been just wonderful. Many friends have been reunited, new ones made, and memories embedded into the hearts of everyone there. I had spent this Saturday hanging out with friends in the mountains of North Carolina for Brew Bus, where brothers and sisters of the Full Moon Bus Club had gathered to camp and to sample several varieties of home brews, made with love for all to enjoy. I had tasted my share of brews. Not enough to get drunk by no means, but I did taste all there was to offer. I was now headed back to my bus to curl up in the back and sleep till morning.

We had arrived Friday in the mid hours of afternoon after driving for nearly 5 hours in the beautiful North Carolina mountains. I was fourth in line of five buses (front to back: Brian and Crystal in Mack, a '67; Gary and Hal in Tiki, a '67; Alex, Corey, Justin and Cornbread (his nickname for the weekend...long story!) in Alex's '71; me in Oscar, a '78; and Moose, Chris, and Stacy in Westy, an '81). You would think that one of us would have trouble on the road, but we arrived without incident. I was in good spirits. The trip hadn't started out that way for me. Let me elaborate...in words that wander like ivy...

Back up a few months. The time of fence repair. The time for healing of wounds and mending of holes. It was good to clear things up, but it was also the start of a test. You never know who to trust. I wanted to find out if something said would get to where I knew it would end up. Something I said, something said about things I used to do, something said which I believed to be in confidence (now why would I think that?) was not exactly the truth. I told this to several people. Of course, the untruth wrapped in a shroud of truth ended up exactly where I thought it would, and then it went on to where I expected it to as well. But where it eventually ended up, it ended up there through only one source. I know how it got there. I'm no dummy. The test results didn't surprise me in the least.

So, now back to Friday. Someone who I know cares about me discussed this "untruth" with me. If I didn't care for this person as well, it really would have bothered me more than it did. Mostly because there was some partial truth to it, partly because I have been thinking about other things said for quite a while. Along with the "untruth", points were made concerning reasons behind my divorce. I don't take and won't take the blame for the divorce...at least all the blame. It takes two to tango and no one can tell me that the tango is a solo performance. But these things have been on my mind for a long time. I thought I would never see my role in the degradation of my marriage. But, lo and behold, I see the light! I'm not going to go into why right now. I'll save that for later. But I do know that I am beginning to see, and I don't like what I see. I don't like the fact that I did things with blinders on, with a tough skin that couldn't feel the love for me eroding, in a self-induced fog of nonchalance.

I hate myself for that. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that. I still see that it wasn't a one-sided situation, not one person was to blame, but I sure do see what I did. I hurt and I can't stand it one bit.

This brings on another point...forward in time a few days...I saw someone crying and I couldn't just stand by and not try to console. I'm not even going to give any hints that would give this person away, but the situation is similar to mine, only from the other standpoint. This person was hurting, I feel, not because of a lost love, but because the whole thing was being drawn out, and they just wanted it to end, to be over. I empathize. I feel what this person was feeling. After giving my two cents, I gave this person a hug, not only to make them feel better, but to make myself feel better too. Because, while talking to this person, and especially after, I started to think about my situation. And then I started crying too. I couldn't help it. I started feeling like everything was my fault, that I was a worthless being who deserves every bad thing that comes my way. I saw my dad in me and I was appalled. But I am not him, I am me, and I can rise above feeling like dirt. And I will.

I talked with others about my conversation on Friday. I can't help the way others feel, but I do know that even if it isn't any body's business of what I do, I still love the conversationalist and can see the caring points made. Some facts are skewed, because of the test I started a few months ago. It gave results and it is done. The pencils are lain down and the papers are handed in.

Back in time again...Saturday night turned to Sunday morning. Breakfast and packing and driving home again. 6 hours of driving and thinking and reflection. I see who I am. I like who I am. I just see that there are faults that need tending to, correcting, and feel that there might not be a need for any more tests.