Happiness Lies and a Highlighted Path

Time is slipping away. Each and every day brings me closer to the big day, the day that I am not looking forward to nor am I ready for. I’m not ready for it emotionally, physically, or financially. One day I will get the letter in the mail from the bank, telling me to “get the hell out of the house, you loser”. I’m sure that a time frame will be given…sure hope to God the letter won’t say to leave immediately. It sucks to live with this doom over my head like it is. It really does. I have been packing stuff almost every day and hauling it to my rented storage space. It seems like I have moved so much, yet there is so much more to go. The back wall of the unit is lined with boxes almost to the ceiling, and the side walls have begun to fill as well. I’m not positive, but I think that all I have to move over there will actually fit. My life in a 10 X 15 room.

I was upstairs this evening trying to stay ahead of the game by going through stuff and throwing away unwanted items…items such as bank statements nearly 8 years old; folder upon folder of utility stubs and pay stubs; and various other parchments of paper defining a former life. I found some old atlases. I wondered why they were still around, so I opened them up. The first one was from 1993. I had a feeling, so I opened up the page with Florida on it. Yep. I was right. A yellow highlighter had shown us the way to the Keys. Written in ink near the island of Islamorada was, “Honeymoon and stars here” and an ink arrow pointing further east to “Grand Bahama Island”. I knew why the atlas was still in my possession. It was for happy reasons. Honeymoon and stars; moped and bicycle rentals; beads, braids, and Bacardi 101. Open air dining halls and tiled floor chalets. Raccoons and little 12 room hotels. Cloud lightning and bridges to nowhere and sharks just offshore. Happiness.

Another atlas from another year: 1995. I knew why it was not in the recycle bin. Phish and Plattsburgh, NY. Clifford Ball. Another yellow highlighted trail blazing the path to another happy time. We took a trip with friends to see what 300,000 others took a trip to see. 3 days of musical bliss, 3 days of like minded unknown friends, 3 days of happiness. Oh, and happiness was with us, it sure was.

I think I will hold on to those atlases. I know…more junk to take up more space. But they are not that thick. They won’t take up too much space. I want to keep them because they are reminders that there were some happy times. I don’t want to forget them. They are almost as good as the books of photos that are upstairs too. They tell a story just by looking at them. It doesn’t matter what the story is.

Happiness. It’s a state of mind that defines a feeling of well being. Not sad. Not angry or mad. Not unfeeling. Happy. In love with life and with all that it brings. You would think that happiness wouldn’t lie to you. Why would it? I was happy. I was obliviously happy and in love. I still have that love, but I think that happiness led me on. Happiness put the set of blinders on me and all I could see was what was in front of me, while all the things I should have been seeing were just off to the left and right of my field of vision. Happiness lied to me. Happiness led me to trust it, when I should have known better…I should have known that you can’t always trust happiness…

With your love I was complete
Like a haven safe from harm
Till the bitter stole the sweet
I was perfect in your arms
A precious while I had your smile
Till it all fell apart with one change of heart

The pain and regret will fade but a
fact of love will still remain
You can't always trust happiness
Love like a sweet parade till the
saddest part when the music fades
You can't always trust happiness

If a single star I see
Ever made a wish come true
It would bring you back to me
But the best my heart can do
Is to love again, I don't know when
Still it's worth all I fear, the heartaches and the tears

Love like a lesson learned when we
pass the point of no return
You can't always trust happiness
There in love's steady glow hides the power to hurt us so
You can't always trust happiness

(Allison Krauss- You Can’t Always Trust Happiness)

Even though happiness can’t be trusted, I would rather be in the company of happiness than sadness. I’ve been sad a lot lately. No, I’m not sad all the time. I make myself be happy. And even others make me happy. But there are those short, temporary times of intense sadness. These times make the happy days seem so far apart. I don’t know how to keep those times to a minimum. There are ways, I know. Perhaps, just like in the above song, the best my heart can do is to love again. I don’t know when, but still, it is worth all I fear, the heartaches and the tears. Love and happiness go hand in hand…even though love harbors pain, hidden in the inner workings of the heart and mind, waiting for you to let down your guard and attack with ferocious intent. But love is worth it all.

So, just like the act of packing up and moving out of this house that holds so many memories; that so much love, blood, sweat and tears has gone into, so will it be with love and happiness. I am going to be ready when the time comes. I just have to continue as I am, holding on and holding out, steadily preparing myself for the inevitable.

It’s all I can do.