Just Let Go

Note to self: Always care, never let it bother you...and the hurt will go away.

Been thinkin'. Stupid brain of mine just won't stop. I still haven't found that switch yet, but when I do, oh boy...I'll be flippin' and switchin'. I've been thinkin' about how far to let things go that bother me. In light of the recent crap that put me on edge, words that hurt to the heart of me, stuff that probably didn't mean a thing but still cut me deeply...I've got to let it go.

Letting go of things is hard. Letting go of people is harder. Letting go of feelings is about damn near impossible. I've always said I care too much. I care about others. I care about those I love and even those I don't even know. I care about what others feel. I care about what others think about me, maybe even too much. That's just me, that's the way I am.

My grandma just celebrated her 86th birthday. I can't believe that she is 86! This is the woman who raised me, my brother and sister, and two of my cousins after she had already raised her three children! She lovingly and graciously took on this task. She took me and my siblings in when my father's second wife was abusive to us. My dad's wife's father called my grandmother and said that if she wanted her grandchildren to have a life at all, that she needed to take us away from his daughter. So, she asked for and was granted custody of us. I don't remember the abuse, but my brother and sister did remember. Life wasn't easy for us, but it also wasn't that hard either. Our local church made sure that we had everything that we needed...clothes on our bodies, shoes on our feet, and funds to enable us to attend private school. She taught us how to work. There were chickens to feed, fruit trees to tend to, grass to mow (nearly 2 acres of it!), and weeds and brush to clear. I never really appreciated how much she cared for us. I do now, and I really care for her. I know that she probably doesn't have much time left on this planet, but she sure has done a lot in the time spent up to now. She still drives a car, takes care of my brother, and even does yard work. I know that I will miss her and a piece of me will go with her when she passes on. I don't even want to think about it. I know it will be hard to let her go.

My sister died in 1994 at the age of 27. She developed uterine cancer that quickly spread through her entire body. Everything that could be done was done...uterus removed, chemo, radiation, you name it. Her body became so ravaged by cancer that she was nothing more than a skeleton with skin towards the end. I saw her in January of '94. It was at her wedding. I saw her again in July of '94 on my honeymoon. I saw her for the last time in September of '94 in her casket. I had never been really close to her. We were always living so far away from each other that I guess time and distance widened the gap between us. But I never stopped caring for her. I suppose it was easier to let her go because I knew that with her going, the pain that was coursing through her body was finally at an end.

I had and still have a hard time in letting my wife go. I never wanted this to happen. We were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to watch our children grow up and have kids of their own together. Our love was supposed to grow and keep us happy and healthy way into our golden years. Letting go of her is hard...letting go of my feelings for her is even harder. But I have to. I have to let go in order to move on. If I am to heal from this wound that has been inflicted on my heart and have peace in my soul, I have to let go of these feelings that cling to me for dear life.

Not that I am a big fan or anything like that, but this song by Terence Trent D'arby called Letting Go says there is a "peaceful feeling when we surrender" and "healing power" in letting go. Just what I need...

The knife's edge pierces Autumn
And stabs the wind we fear
But we must find ourselves
Before we disappear

By knowing when to move on
We keep the peace with our pride
We seldom live our moments
Before the leaves have dried

But it's a peaceful feeling when
We surrender
And there is healing power in
Letting go

Alone, confused, and naked
Is when we are most sacred
Fear is the enemy
That strikes out at our sanity

By keeping faith in our promise
We drink from Eros fountains
We confirm that we are here
Moving up on higher mountains...

And it's a peaceful feeling when...
We surrender
And there is healing power in...
Letting go

And it's a peaceful feeling when...
We surrender
There is healing power in...
Letting go Letting go

Hush, hush I hear music
Falling down like rain
Hush, I feel mercy
And forgiveness
I see Golden Light...
Shining ever-bright
Into the light I'll go...

And it's a peaceful feeling when
We surrender
And there is healing power in
Letting go

And it's a peaceful feeling when
We surrender
There is healing power in...
In letting go

Letting go...

Let go now...let go later. It is going to have to happen.