In Faith and Doubt

"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't." -Blaise Pascal

I heard the voice before I saw the face. The middle landing of the stairs leading up to the lobby seemed like a good place to decide whether to continue up or hightail it back down. The retreat would avoid the eye-rolling annoyance that continuing on up might bring; continuing on would surely make the retreat seem like the better option. It's not like I don't like the guy; it's just that annoyance avoidance, whenever possible, tends to be the best policy. But, I remembered that I'm an adult. I moved on and up.

There he was, BeeGee, in the standard uniform of pleated back fishing shirt, khaki shorts, and sockless feet in brown Dockers that demanded the re-opening of Texas Roadhouse. I walked across the lobby floor on my way to the shop. He was immersed in conversation with our receptionist, so avoidance wasn't as dire as previously thought. A few steps away from being in the clear, I was stopped by our guard for a minute. He wanted to show me something on his phone, so I obliged. While we were talking, a woman (let's call her "Marsha") came into the lobby.

BeeGee: "Hello, Marsha. Glad to be back to work?"
Marsha: "Yes, it's good to be here."
BG: "When are you going to bring your kids to (undisclosed location where kids go for a week in summer). Y'all ready to get back out?"
M: "I'm not comfortable having them around large groups of kids just yet."
BG: "Aww, c'mon Marsha, where's your faith?"
M: "C'mon, B... really?"

I had already lost interest in what the guard was showing me and my attention was on said conversation. Did he really just question her faith in her God? I think he did. There might have been a joking undertone, but I think Marsha's retort expressed an unappreciative vibe which I latched onto. I think I even asked that question out loud, under my breath, to myself as I walked away. It was something I thought about off and on through the rest of my work day.

Later that evening, I did something that I've never done before. Normally, I can make it but a few minutes...I just get queasy and unwell beyond that...but I listened to President Trump from start to finish; from intro to dramatic exit. I saw the protesters cleared from the streets with a mighty show of force. I saw the walk to the steps of the church. I saw the Bible held aloft as a talisman to ward off evil; as a trophy on display. And I thought out loud... "I don't believe that man knows what's in that book." I wondered if it was a trick of light and shadow when, I swear, I thought I saw tendrils of smoke...

It hit me. I had done exactly what I had been irritated with BG for doing. I questioned this man's faith; I showed a seed of doubt. I talked the talk, but I stumbled on my walk. How in the world could I know this man's heart? I can't. A lot of what you believe is in what you can see, and I was basing my doubt on that very same thing. I may not like the man, but I should respect the position. I may not like what I see, but I should not judge.

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." -Khalil Gibran

Doubt has broken more hearts and turned more worlds upside down than faith ever has or ever will. I'm not talking about organized religion. I'm talking about faith and doubt on a personal level. I'm talking about faith and doubt in your life, your love, your relationships with family, friends, and lovers. It's the latter that's tearing me apart right now. My doubt has not only killed a relationship with someone I care deeply for, it's broken more than one heart and turned two worlds upside down.

I was raised a Christian. I was taught wrong from right. I may not go to church every week (or every month...or year), but I still have those core beliefs that was taught to me as a child. I will never tell you that you're doing your faith wrong, finger in your face while thumping a Bible. That's not me. I know that nobody is perfect (if you think you are, think again). I know you don't aim to hurt those you love. I know that you are to treat others as you would treat yourself. Those are not solely Christian ideals, in my opinion. They ought to be merely human ones. Your faith in yourself and the condition of your soul can be, and often are, wrought with doubts.

In my doubt, I hurt someone. In doing so, I hurt myself. If you get what you think you want; what you think is going to be better in the long run; what you have faith in to eventually bring you happiness...doesn't mean it's not going to hurt.

BG? President Trump? The one I hurt? None of you will ever see this, and I say this with tears and brokenness, but I'm sorry. So very sorry.

I don't doubt that wounds heal, in fact they have from past hurts, and that fact gives me faith that this one will too...even when it's my fault. And knowing that it is solely my fault, that I caused someone else pain...that's what really hurts.